The Secret Diary of George Steinbrenner

Mussina Sucks

2008-04-17T20:26:00.002-04:00

I don't know how this guy can still be on a major league roster. Hell, I don't think he's good enough to strike out a little leaguer.

I'm blogging from my luxury suite here at the Stadium and Manny Ramirez has gone yard on Mussina not once, but twice in the first three friggin' innings. How pathetic is that?

I'm so sick I just tossed my lunch all over Cashman. He deserved it though, keeping this over-the-hill pitcher on our staff way too long. I only wish I could blow more chunks on Girardi for putting him in the starting rotation. This crap is pathetic.

You're Wrong!: Money DOES Buy Happiness

2008-04-15T12:35:00.003-04:00

I couldn't help chuckle when reading this pathetic little letter to me by some alleged Yankees fan named Adam Niemi. He's bellyachin' about the same thing I've been hearing about for the past couple of years. "Gee, George, why do you have to move from Yankee Stadium?"

Shut up. It's my team and I can do what I want.

Commoners like you simply don't understand that we can't squeeze any more luxury boxes into Yankee Stadium. So how do you expect my great-great-great-great grandkids to get by if we don't find a solution to this future revenue issue?!

Come on, people. There's a reason why I'm "The Boss" and you're not.

Enjoy the final season in Yankee Stadium. Hell, we're only moving next door, so it's not like we're leaving the Bronx. In a couple of years everyone will forget about the whole debacle. And I'll be counting all the new money that's coming my way! Yeah, baby!!!!

Giambi's Batting Averages Matches His I.Q.

2008-04-10T12:58:00.003-04:00

What are the chances? Our "first baseman", and I use the phrase loosely, has an I.Q. of 56 and a batting average of .056. Remarkable. Ever since he stopped using "that stuff" his skills have gone in the crapper.

The only comfort I can take in this is that David Ortiz is also hitting well below the Mendoza line. After yesterday's game he's batting a whopping .091. At least those idiots in Boston have the good sense not to put him on the damned field though! I keep pleading with Girardi to bench Giambi or at least not put him on first...you can see how little weight I carry these days.

Speaking of which, why the hell is Kyle Farnsworth still in pinstripes?! He comes on in the fourth inning of a shutout, pitches two lousy innings (and I mean lousy) and proceeds to get tagged for 2 runs and the loss. Nice. I don't know why we haven't unloaded this chump yet.

Strained Left Quadriceps My Ass!

2008-04-08T16:21:00.002-04:00

C'mon Jeter! Are you really content letting everyone think you're sitting this one out due to "strained left quadriceps"?! Please. You've played through so much pain before and now we're supposed to believe a little leg cramping is keeping you out of the lineup.

Toughen up, young man! I'm payin' you way too much to sit on the bench at the start of the season! You better bet back in that lineup tomorrow or there will be hell to pay!

Oh well. At least I can take some comfort in seeing the Red Sox in last place today!

This Team Makes Girardi Sick...Me Too

2008-04-06T10:44:00.002-04:00

Jeez, is this 2007 all over again?! I'd give Hank's left hand for a decent pitcher. Ah, hell, who am I kiddin'? I'd give all of Hank for a decent pitcher, or even a utility infielder.

It's gotten so bad that Girardi is starting to skip games, saying he's got a "respiratory infection." C'mon Joe, toughen up there, young man. Even the old guy Torre never tried to use that excuse on me. I know you're throwing up in your office and all, but that's not a medical issue...it's because we're currently sitting in last place. Get off your butt and do something about it!

I Didn't Know that "Giambi" Means "E3" in Italian

2008-04-03T11:15:00.003-04:00

Well, I should say I didn't know it till last night. Did you see that ape on the field? That Puma fella over at the Post sums it up pretty well in this article.

Giambi is physically unable to make even the simplest of plays at first base. So you might be asking, "hey, boss, why are you playing him there?"

First of all, don't ever call me "boss." I only let my friends call me that. Second, Giambi played first last night despite my strong protest. Hank is a stubborn shit and won't listen to me and Girardi already thinks he's Einstein reincarnated as a baseball manager. In short, I can't get through to either of them.

You know, in hindsight, Torre's not looking so bad after all. I am gonna be so pissed of the Red Sox finish ahead of us again this season...

Hank Can't Stay Focused!

2008-04-02T14:17:00.002-04:00

Can you believe it?! The final opening day of Yankee Stadium and my stupid son Hank is standing out in the friggin' parking lot! Yeah, that's right. Read this story and you'll get the details, although they mis-quoted us a couple of times.

For example, when that fan yelled to me "We're going to have a good season", I didn't yell back "I hope so", like the article says. I told the guy to go to hell. I mean, who's this stranger to tell me what his hopes are for my team this year?!

Here's another one... When they asked Hank why he missed the first part of the game they quoted him as follows: "I wanted to see the opening ceremony. Then I wanted to take a break."

Bullshit! The kid's always had a tiny bladder. What he really said was, "Then I had to take a leak."

Reporters. None of 'em are worth a damn.

Jose Canseco, Scholar (?!)

2008-04-01T09:03:00.002-04:00

Our boys got rained out yesterday and the prospects aren't looking much better for tonight's make-up game. That's OK, it gives me more time to read that gripping new book from Jose Canseco, Vindicated.

Speaking of which, have you seen this video (below) of him from ESPN? Who was the genius that decided to interview Canseco in...wait for it...wait for it...a friggin' library?! Please! I'm still not convinced the guy can read and they do this interview in a library with a bunch of books behind him.

Yeah, when I think of Jose Canseco I immediately think of other brainiacs like Einstein and Galileo. Yep, that's right. All Canseco's missing in this interview is a pipe ans smoking jacket. The man is such an egghead!

Fantasy League Time!!

2008-03-31T12:20:00.002-04:00

It's my favorite time of the year. Our boys are about to take the field for opening day against the hosers from up north, the Toronto Blue Jays. Please, like they stand a chance in this year's AL East running!...

Although I'm pretty excited for the MLB season to start (and don't even try to tell me that crap about the "real" opener being in Japan last week...), I'm even more thrilled about fantasy baseball. Yeah, that's right. I'm in a fantasy league this year!

What, you don't think it's fair for the owner of the best friggin' ballclub on the planet to get to play fantasy baseball? Well screw you. My "real" team hasn't won a championship in 7 years, so I figure this is the best shot I have of winning it all.

Anyway, our draft was last night. I can't go into the details because a couple of the other fellas in the league are in hot water with MLB right now and I'm sure they wouldn't want the additional "exposure", if you know what I mean.

I will tell you this though: Everyone figured if they got the first pick they'd go with A-Rod. Not me, baby! I'm tired of that spoiled rotten punk. I can't believe Hank and Cashsuck, er, I mean Cashman, re-signed him. I guess it just goes to show you how out of touch I am these days...

Anyway, back to reading my copy of Canseco's new tell-all tale, Vindicated. Sheesh, if I find any more Yankees in this damned book I'm gonna scream!

We Got Us a New Infielder, Baby!!!

2008-03-11T16:03:00.002-04:00

I've been gettin' a lot of questions about where I've been since that last post back in December. Well let me tell you, I've been busy running The New York Friggin' Yankees, that's what! But hey, even the Big Guy gets to enjoy the offseason a bit, so give me some slack you envious losers. And oh, let me set the record straight...I'm not dead! Never have been, never will be. Period.

On a lighter note, you may have already heard the news: We recently signed a great new prospect. You may have heard of him from his previous career. His name is Billy Crystal and he fills a void we've had for a long, long time: The slow, white, aging veteran. The last one we had was Babe Ruth and hey, he wasn't half as funny as Billy.

A couple of folks have told me Crystal is only signed for one preseason ballgame. That's a load of crap. I gave Cashman specific instructions to make this a 5-year deal, minimum. That little prick better not have screwed this one up too.

The Mitchell Steroid Report: Who Cares?!

2007-12-13T15:03:00.000-05:00

Big deal. George Mitchell releases his big report on who's been shooting up over the years. Come on. Does anyone really care about this? And oh, don't give me crap about there being some Yankees on the list. Sure, Clemens and Pettitte are as guilty as Giambi and Sheffield, but hey, it's not considered cheating if you're doing it to win for the pinstripes, baby!

Speaking of which, is it me or were you also not terribly surprised that Mitchell didn't narc on any big-name Red Sox players? The guy's on Boston's payroll so it's not exactly shocking that he didn't bother mentioning their 'roid rage monsters!

NFL Conspiracy Theory

2007-12-04T18:47:00.000-05:00

You'd think I'd be busy orchestrating off-season signings but I've actually been spending a lot of time watching NFL games lately. After watching last night's debacle between the Patriots and the Ravens I'm 100% convinced the NFL is fixed.

Commissioner Roger Goodell has a nightmare on his hands. With all the arrests and other legal issues facing players in his league they're starting to rival the NBA on the thuggery scale.

The Patriots run is exactly what Goodell needs to distract the nation from the next run-in with the law. As long as the Patriots are undefeated that next arrest probably won't appear till the back page of the sports section.

Looking a little closer to home, is Eli Manning even an NFL caliber quarterback? After watching his last few games I think it's true that the Manning family does indeed have two quality QB's. Unfortunately for Eli, one of them is named Archie.

Indians Garko Found Drunk In Boston

2007-10-22T15:27:00.000-04:00

I guess Indians first-baseman Ryan Garko was serious about that comment regarding the taste of champagne on the road. My sources tell me the kid went out after that 11-2 Indians collapse last night and tossed down a few bottles of the bubbly anyway...right there in Boston!

In fact, he drank so much that he passed out in the gutter and was subsequently mugged, losing both his wallet and his dignity. Thankfully for him, he had no World Series ring to lose in the robbery!

Paul Byrd Was Using HGH? I Knew It!!!!

2007-10-22T15:13:00.000-04:00

Remember that old fart that beat us in the LCS last week? Paul Byrd was his name and I just knew something wasn't right with him. First I thought he was the pitcher from that movie Major League back in the 1980's. Heck, that probably was him, but today we hear bigger news: That guy has been taking HGH for several years now!

OK, most guys take that stuff and bulk up like Barry Bonds, right? So what happened with this dude? Well, after I got curious during our series with the Indians I decided to have a hidden camera installed in their locker room. Check out Byrd's feet on the way to the shower!!! Shit, all that HGH apparently went to his damned feet! (The dude's got some seriously bony knees, btw!)

You Heard It Here First: Joe Girardi Is Our Next Manager!

2007-10-18T19:57:00.001-04:00

Poor ol' Joe Torre. He couldn't accept the pay reduction we offered. Let me tell ya though...we paid him too much these last 7 years and there's no way I'm going to continue that trend. Hell, I think he should be paying me for the privilege of managing the "New York Freakin' Yankees!"

I'm going to let you in on a secret... See that picture on the left? That's not from several years ago...that's from earlier this afternoon! We brought Girardi in to look around The Stadium and, get this, he asked if he could wear the pinstripes while taking the tour. How cool is that?!

Actually, Girardi didn't think this was so cool after all. He's pointing to my son and telling him to "get that damned camera away from that stupid old man!" Don't take it the wrong way though...Joe's a big fan of mine.

Everyone's talking about how Don Mattingly is the lead candidate for the job. No way. I don't believe in promoting from within. That's way too humane for my tastes. Nah, I prefer a guy to come here, get a taste of what it's all about and then learn the business somewhere else. Mattingly has no experience outside of our organization and he's been drinking the Kool-Aid for too long. Girardi's my man!

"Why Aren't You Blogging More?..."

2007-10-18T08:39:00.001-04:00

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked that same damned question by all you whiny so-called fans of mine. Some of you think I've lost my mind and can't remember to blog, or at least that's what the media would have you believe.

No! The truth of the matter is I'm extremely busy trying to figure out the right way to tell Torre that he's fired. If you've got any ideas, please e-mail them to me: fake-george@hotmail.com.

Where's the Indians-Red Sox Game?...

2007-10-12T22:29:00.001-04:00

The local paper said something about the Indians-Red Sox game coming on Fox around 7:00 tonight. There must have been a rainout because Fox keeps showing Red Sox batting practice video all night. Why the heck would they waste precious Friday night prime time with BP?!

Oh, wait a minute... It looks like it's the Indians turn for some BP. But why is Eric Gagne pitching it?

Boy, I hope the Rockies-Diamondbacks game isn't rained out as well. I really want to watch some baseball tonight.

Who the Hell is Paul Byrd?!

2007-10-08T21:32:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here in my luxury box at Yankee Stadium watching game #4 of the ALDS and I'm tellin' ya, I've seen this movie before, literally. This Paul Byrd fella, wasn't he the old pitcher in Major League, the movie? I think he went by the name Eddie Harris back then.

Amazingly enough, we can't even hit off a former actor who hasn't been seen on the mound since the 1990's! Man, our offense sucks. Oh, and don't get me started on the pitching...

Let's see... Has a team ever won a championship with no hitting and no pitching?

Torre's Toast

2007-10-07T18:45:00.001-04:00

Yes, that's right folks. I've already publicly stated that if we don't win tonight Mr. Torre will not be back next year. What I didn't say though, was that even if we win tonight, tomorrow and all the way through the World Series, Torre's still not coming back in 2008.

I'm sick and tired of these overpaid, spoiled brats melting down in the postseason. I can't fire the whole damned team, although Lord knows I'd love to, so I'm gonna start with their manager...and maybe the G.M. as well.

Those Aren't Gnats in Cleveland!

2007-10-05T20:09:00.001-04:00

Hey folks, those aren't gnats attacking the players in the game tonight. They're flies! I mean, have you ever been to Cleveland? It's like a giant pile of dog doo!

Will the last person leaving please flush the toilet that's known as the city of Cleveland?

ARod Sucks!

2007-10-05T19:16:00.001-04:00

I just watched our pretty boy third-baseman strike out in the top of the 7th with a runner on in a one-run game. This guy flat out sucks in the post season. I lobbied Cashman to dump him last year and he ignored me. He puts up insane numbers in the regular season and can't do crap in the postseason.

If we don't advance in this series it's nobody's fault but ARod's. Hell, I could strike out in a playoff game. I don't need to pay him millions to do it for me!

Gagne Best Pitcher on our Payroll

2007-09-19T09:08:00.001-04:00

No, he doesn't wear pinstripes. Yes, he "pitches" for the evil Red Sox. But, I'm comin' clean now and telling the world that I personally offered him $1 million to "blow" a couple of saves for the Sox when he was traded to them earlier this year.

I think you'll agree that was the best million bucks I ever invested! Gagne has more than delivered for us, including yet another blown one last night.

I'm gonna call his agent later today and offer another million for two more blow-ups. I figure it's good insurance money for our boys!

O.J. Is Back In Jail?!

2007-09-18T19:35:00.000-04:00

Did I sleep through his release or something? I mean, the last I heard, Mr. Simpson was serving hard prison time for killing his ex-wife and that other fella. And now I hear he was out and has been re-arrested for shaking down some guys who stole his "memorabilia"?!

OK, are you as shocked as me? I mean, is there any such thing as "O.J. Simpson memorabilia" these days?! What, is he signing and re-selling gloves and knives?! Who the heck would pay a nickel for O.J. memorabilia?!

That's It. We're Done.

2007-09-05T19:20:00.001-04:00

See that xray? Guess whose elbow that is. That's right. It belongs to Roger Clemens. See the break? The damned thing is almost snapped in two.

Guess what else... That xray isn't from today or yesterday. It's from back in April when we started negotiating with this clown! The nutcase had a broken elbow all this time and is just now telling us about it!

Way to go Cashman. Did you ever think about having the guy take a freakin' physical?! You were so caught up in figuring out how many millions of my dollars to give him that you completely forgot to see if he's healthy!

This Gal Makes Farnsworth Look Like a Nobel Laureate

2007-08-29T22:29:00.000-04:00

Question: What's the Fastest Way to Give Up a Comfortable Lead?

2007-08-29T22:13:00.001-04:00

Answer: Put Kyle Farnsworth on the mound.

Come on, did that two-run shot he just gave up surprise anyone? The guy flat out sucks!

Torre: If you put that loser in another game I'll fire you faster than you can say "Billy Martin"!

Why the Hell Did A-Rod Make a Curtain Call Tonight?!

2007-08-29T22:08:00.001-04:00

Did you see that?! I was watching it from the comfort of my owner's box and I couldn't believe it. A-Rod hits a one-run homer. We were already up 2 runs and his shot puts us up by 3. Nobody is calling his name or anything and next thing you know, Mr. Ego hops out of the dugout and doffs his cap!

What the hell?! Hey A-Rod, how about waiting till the fans call for you next time?

Serena Williams Scares Me

2007-08-28T09:47:00.001-04:00

Sure, I'm a very old man and just about any woman could kick my butt these days, but this Serena Williams gal scares the crap out of me. Have you seen her lately? She's a beast. I'm pretty sure she could whip just about every guy on our roster, especially that girly man A-Rod.

Loggins & Mussina, The Reunion?

2007-08-27T20:29:00.000-04:00

You know, I never really understood why Mike Mussina left Kenny Loggins when they both seemed to be making a lot of money in the music biz. I'll tell you what though, after watching him get shellacked by the Tigers tonight I'm pretty sure Mike will need to find his old Footloose friend for his next meal ticket.

The Moose is done. Stick a fork in him. I don't know if Kenny Loggins can pitch but I'd rather give him a chance than let Mussina make another appearance.

I'm starting to think those guys in Houston are approaching this the right way. I need to fire some people and see if that gets this ballclub back on track.

Holy Crap! I Just Won the Italian Lottery!

2007-08-24T22:26:00.000-04:00

Check it out! Click on that image to the left and you'll see the message I recently got from the people at the Italian Lottery. Yep, that's right. I just hit the jackpot!

At first I thought this was a practical joke by Torre or one of the other dago's on the team. Cashman is looking into it for me and he tells me he thinks it's legit. How freakin' cool is that? I mean, I already have more money than I can possibly spend in the rest of my life and now this?!

I might just have to call that cryogenics place back and see if they have any other Ted Williams body parts for sale!

I'm Gonna Buy Ted Willams' Frozen Head!

2007-08-22T12:49:00.000-04:00

Yep, you read that right. I have some money left over after the trading deadline and since Cashman was unable to get me a ringer, I thought I'd by the head of a dead one!

To tell you the truth, I never believed all the stories I'd read about Ted's head being on ice. So during some travels this week I stopped by the cryogenic facility where the Splendid Splinter's melon now lives and told them to show me the proof. Sure enough, a fellow dipped in with a giant pear of tongs and there he was! I snapped that picture you see here as proof that he's really in there.

The paperwork still needs to be signed and all, but I'm about to acquire the last available piece of one of Boston's true heroes. I've already got a room full of amazing collectibles from over the years (e.g., Billy Martin's last beer bottle, Ruth's last cigarette butt, etc.) but this one goes to the head of the class. Oops, sorry, poor choice of words.

Red Sox are Chokin' and I'm Chucklin'!

2007-08-20T20:53:00.001-04:00

Can you believe how fast Boston's divisional lead has melted away? Terry Francona must be sweating like Michael Vick at a PETA meeting.

2004 was so long ago. They might have "reversed the curse" for one year but they'll never lose their knack for the well-timed choke!

Hey, who's lookin' like a genius now for not signing Gagne?!

Me? In the Hall of Fame? You're Making Me Blush...Sort of...

2007-08-18T17:44:00.001-04:00

Hey, have you seen this incredibly insightful and brilliant article by Wallace Matthews, my new favorite reporter? He's lobbying for me to get into the baseball Hall of Fame.

Gee, I don't know what to say...other than yes, I definitely deserve it and if you believe all those reports about my health, you bastards on the HOF committee better take action soon!

To tell you the truth, I didn't even know I did all those things Matthews says about my career in that article. As I read it I kept thinking, gee, this guy is really special. What do we need to do to get him, er, me into the Hall of Fame?

I don't know how to make it happen, but I'm gonna make a few calls and see if I can get this Matthews fella a raise. He's certainly more deserving of my hard-earned cash than Jason Giambi, I can tell you that much! (Speaking of which, what a wussy effort Selig turned in on the whole Giambi investigation! Not only is he not going to fine the oaf, Bud is actually patting the son-of-a-gun on the back! That's the last time I invite the commish to my place for drinks and skinny dipping!)

Scooter Is Gone...And I'm Bummed

2007-08-14T15:08:00.000-04:00

My old buddy Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto passed away today. What a character he was. I'm gonna miss him big-time.

My favorite Scooter memory is when he did that crazy play-by-play bit in that song by that Loaf fella. I think the tune was called "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" or something like that. Anyway, the melody itself was awful but it was fun hearing Scooter do his bit.

Sometimes when it was just Phil and I sitting around having a few beers I'd ask him to "do that Paradise thingie!" What a guy. He'd always oblige.

As I mentioned earlier, heaven must have needed a shortstop and let me tell ya, they got a great one in this guy.

I'm in LA...But the Angels Aren't Here!

2007-08-13T21:21:00.001-04:00

I think Cashman did this to me on purpose. The first stop on my road trip is Los Angeles and the goal was to see the Angels play. My charter plane landed earlier today and I had a driver take me directly to Angels Stadium. Guess what? Those bastards are on the road right now, playing up in Toronto tomorrow.

All is not lost, however. I managed to get past security to look around a bit. You know those reports about rats all over the stadium? They're right! Check out this picture I took of the floor of the visitors dugout. Gross!

Quick, Somebody Get John Henry a Pint of Blood!

2007-08-12T21:04:00.000-04:00

Have you ever seen this John Henry fella, principal owner of the Red Sox, up close? Aw heck, even the typical picture of him in the paper or on TV highlights the problem: John Henry is either a vampire or he's got a horrible blood circulation problem. Look at the guy. He's scary looking.

I met him in person recently and I found myself staring at him. He's nothing short of a freak. He makes Keith Richards look like a healthy young man!

And did you see he's dumping his wife?! That hot young chick in this picture? You've got to be kidding me. Other than the fact that he's got a big bank account, although not as large as mine(!), does he really think he can do better than her?

Wow, maybe what little blood he has just isn't making it to his tiny brain!

The Yankees Bore Me -- I'm Going on a Road Trip

2007-08-12T20:43:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I know. It's a weird time to take a road trip. We just closed the gap with the Sox to 4 games and are in a dead heat with the Mariners for the wildcard. Big deal. Ever since my 77th birthday I've decided life's too short to sit around and get angry with a bunch of under-performers.

I'm heading out tomorrow morning, but I'm not gonna tell you where I'm heading till I'm already there. Sort of like that Matt Lauer thing on the Today Show. We can call this, "Where In The World is The Boss"!

More details to come...

P.S. -- There's no way I'm gonna bother stopping in San Francisco. I don't want to see that human growth hormone freak known as Barry Bonds.

Ankiel's First Better Than Bonds' 756th

2007-08-10T21:52:00.000-04:00

Man, my eyes welled up with tears watching Rick Ankiel hit that homerun last night. Talk about a feel good story. Wow!

Contrast that with the walking syringe, AKA Barry Bonds, and his 756th homer with an asterisk. I almost vomited watching replays of that one. It's a shame some people will actually look at him as the new king. Yuck.

Speaking of Ankiel though, I find it intriguing that a pitcher can reinvent himself as a position player. Do you suppose there's any chance we could convert our entire bullpen into position players? I mean, whatever they've been doing this year certainly doesn't qualify as "pitching", so why not give it a shot? Get it? "Shot", picture of a syringe... Yeah, I know. I missed my calling as a comedian. Cashman never seems to laugh though. I think his mom dropped him one time too many when he was a baby.

Clemens Suspension: 5 Games Is Nice, 10 Would Be Better

2007-08-09T18:37:00.000-04:00

Even when we screw up we wind up screwing up. Jeez! I told Torre to have Clemens plunk that Toronto fella in the back in the hopes that he'd get a lengthy suspension. I mean, have you seen the guy's record? He's 4-5 and I'm paying him roughly the GNP of a small country to "pitch" for us this year!

So what do those weenies in the league office do? They suspend him for all of 5 freakin' games. That doesn't help us! This guy is losing 56% of his games and I have to put him back into the starting rotation again after a 5-game suspension?

What does a guy have to do to get a 10- or 20-game suspension around here? If steroids will do the trick I'll be happy to inject 'em in his butt myself!

Babe Ruth Says We Suck

2007-08-09T14:40:00.001-04:00

I just woke up from my afternoon nap. Boy do I feel refreshed!

I had a vivid dream about the old Bambino himself, Babe Ruth. I'm tellin' ya, I could even smell the guy's farts...that's how realistic this thing was!

Anyway, he tells me he's totally embarrassed to be associated with the Yankees these days. He went on to say our entire team flat out sucks. He said I should fire every single one of them and start over.

Babe went on to tell me he thinks Kyle Farnsworth is the worst of them all. Not just current Yankees. The worst since the beginning of the franchise back in 1903. Can you believe it?!

One other thing...he told me that signing Clemens was a huge mistake. Oh sure, now he tells me, long after I've shelled out millions for the season. He says he's still chuckling at Roger's current 4-5 record and asked me to tell him once again how much we're paying him. I told him "about $26 million" and the Bambino just about crapped his pants laughing.

What does that lard ass know, anyway?

Barry Bonds Rookie Card

2007-08-07T11:00:00.000-04:00

After digging through piles of boxes in my basement I think I've stumbled upon a gold mine. Yes, I have a rookie card from Barry Bonds' first season in the major leagues. You can't tell me this guy hasn't been juicing up since back then. His whole body just looks so much larger now, don't you think?

This baby must be worth a small fortune!

Bud Selig Is Boycotting Barry Bonds!

2007-08-06T23:00:00.001-04:00

Yep, at this very moment, the Giants are hosting the Nationals. Barry "Mr. Steroids" Bonds is sitting at 755 homeruns and guess where the commish, Bud Selig is? He just pulled up to my house and I snapped the picture you see here as he walked in the front door.

That's right. Bud and I are getting ready to enjoy a sandwich and a nice soft drink. We'll probably play a bit of pinochle too. But there's one thing we won't be doing: watching that drug-laced freak break Hank Aaron's hallowed record.

Mike Myers Loses His Mojo

2007-08-06T22:42:00.000-04:00

I couldn't believe it when Cashman signed this guy but I'm thrilled the experiment is over. You may have heard, we finally dumped Mike Myers today. Don't get me wrong. I loved him in Austin Powers and Wayne's World, but the guy couldn't throw a pitch to save his life.

I need to keep a closer eye on Cashman. He's liable to sign George Carlin or Eddie Murphy next. What a freakin' idiot. No wonder this team is such a mess.

Why ARod Won't Catch Bonds

2007-08-05T10:44:00.000-04:00

The big news yesterday of course was that ARod hit his 500th home run and that guy on steroids hit #755. Everybody's talking about how Mr. Steroids won't hold the record for long because ARod "is the youngest to get to 500."

You know what I say? Big deal. It doesn't matter.

ARod will never get to 755. Why? Two words: Pretty boy.

If you knew ARod like I know ARod you'd agree. All he cares about is what he looks like and whether the chicks will notice him. He spends more time grooming his hair than lifting weights.

Did you know he was ready to quit baseball a couple of years ago? He wasn't happy with the hat-hair his batting helmet was giving him. We had to pull a couple of scientists off their quest to cure cancer so they could help us design a more hair-friendly batting helmet. Have you noticed how when ARod takes his off now his hair is still perfect? That's what $2 million of accelerated research and development gets you these days.

Nah, this kid spends way too much time in front of the mirror to bother with any baseball records. And since the steroid scandal means that chicks don't dig the long ball like they used to, we'll all have to get used to Mr. Steroids owning the record for a long, long time, I'm afraid.

I Love Cracker Jack Prizes!

2007-08-04T17:05:00.001-04:00

I love Cracker Jacks. I eat boxes of 'em all day long. My doctor tells me I need to cut back, but hey, I don't smoke or drink so I figure this is my one vice.

What do I love most about Cracker Jacks? The prizes! Man, those darned things are the best! It's the unknown aspect that gets me so excited about them. Sort of like what we can expect from this new Betamit kid Cashman just traded for...

Speaking of Cashman, that bastard wouldn't let me put the temporary tattoo that came in one of my Cracker Jack boxes today. He said "it wouldn't be very dignifying" of me to walk around with a temporary tattoo on. Screw him. I went ahead and applied it to my butt when he wasn't looking!

Why I Love Matsui

2007-08-03T22:01:00.001-04:00

I've been a huge fan of Hideki Matsui ever since he joined our club. Every time I see him he brings a smile to my face. I couldn't quite figure out why till I watched a 24-hour Three Stooges marathon on cable today.

Matsui looks just like Moe! Heck, they could be distant relatives! I'm gonna try some nyuck, nyuck lines on him when I see him tomorrow.

Moe...what a funny guy. I wonder if I'd look good with that haircut.

Boycott Conde Nast (and That Prick Frank Lidz)

2007-08-03T21:47:00.000-04:00

These guys are really starting to piss me off. Did you see this damned article in Conde Nast today? This bastard Frank Lidz writes that I've become like Howard Hughes or am in the early stages of Alzheimer's. What a prick.

Do me a favor. Join my boycott of anything that has to do with or even sounds like Conde Nast. That includes Condi Rice and Jerry Nast, a guy I went to high school with. Come on people, let's show 'em who's The Boss!

By the way, what the hell kind of name is "Frank Lidz"?! Is that bastard part of the ballcap empire? If so, I'm gonna sue him for all he's worth. Yeah, that's right...I can still kick some ass when I need to!

Selling the YES Network

2007-08-03T14:30:00.001-04:00

You may have heard the rumors but I'm here to give you the facts. We are indeed getting ready to dump the YES Network. It's not because I need the money or because we're trying to "dismantle the empire" as that stupid report put it. I'm just tired of watching these bums lose game after game.

Cashman says "you don't have to watch" and "you can just change the channel." Sure, that's what a commoner would do! I'm The Boss though and I always do things in a big, big way. The network goes on eBay tomorrow and bids must be in by the following Saturday.

Why We Didn't Go After Gagne

2007-08-01T09:00:00.001-04:00

Boy, my e-mail in-box is overflowing after yesterday's trading deadline. (Btw, if you have a question, drop me a line at fake-george@hotmail.com.)

Everyone wants to know why we didn't go after Eric Gagne. A couple of people even said we should have done it just to prevent the Red Sox from getting him.

Ah, once again I prove how I know more than all of you combined. You see folks, it is possible to have too much talent in your bullpen. The Red Sox were already at that point before Gagne showed up. Now that he's there, watch out! They're going to completely collapse.

We, on the other hand, are showing how to get it done with almost no pitching talent whatsoever. I didn't want to screw with that formula, and believe me, adding a guy of Gagne's caliber would have really changed the chemistry. Guys like Farnsworth would have been out there constantly asking Gagne for an autograph.

No siree, we're going to win this thing with the bats. Cashman worked up a spreadsheet for us yesterday and as long as we can score an average of 16.3 runs per game we should be fine. I'm still not sure where we'll get the .3 from though.

Btw, how do you like that photo of our existing pitching staff? Those monkeys are always playing games!

Nobody Wanted Farnsworth...Nobody

2007-07-31T21:33:00.001-04:00

What an exhausting day. I'm glad it's over. We didn't bring in the talent I was hoping for, but the real story had to do with who we couldn't give away: Kyle Farnsworth. I mean, we tried to dump him on every single team in the league. No takers.

Heck, at one point, I was ready to unload him for a 1983 Chrysler K car, but no go. This guy is damaged goods and everyone knows it.

I'm sitting here watching us beat the snot out of the White Sox. We're up 14 to 3 and Torre finally thinks that's a safe enough lead to bring Farnsworth in for. I'm not so sure. Fingers crossed...

Good Riddance to Proctor...But Why Betemit?!

2007-07-31T15:28:00.000-04:00

I won't lie about it...I'm glad to see Scott Proctor leave us. He was worthless. But why in the world did Cashman trade him for this Betemit fella?! He's hitting a whopping .231 this year. Just what we needed...

I Covet Dontrelle Willis

2007-07-31T08:57:00.000-04:00

There. I admitted it. I love this guy and I desperately want him in pinstripes. Today is the trading deadline and I told Cashman to make it happen or he's fired. We'll see what happens.

He's not just a great lefty, he also looks very cool in a ballcap. I've tried wearing one the way he does but I look silly. I'm hoping he'll give me some hat fashion tips when we get him on the Yankees.

When Did Tony Gwynn Get So Damned Fat?!!!

2007-07-30T08:48:00.001-04:00

Holy crap! Did you see Tony Gwynn at the Hall of Fame induction ceremonies yesterday? The dude is now large enough to qualify as a planet. Enormous.

Hey, push back from the buffet, big fella!

Why Gaylord Perry But Not Barry Bonds?

2007-07-29T13:07:00.001-04:00

I'd like to get serious for a moment and share something that's been troubling me. Why is it that we allowed Gaylord Perry into the Hall of Fame but we say Barry Bonds shouldn't be eligible? Remember old Gaylord? He of the spitter and other means of cheating from the mound?...

Everyone always chuckles about Perry, acknowledges that he cheated but has no problem whatsoever recognizing him as a Hall of Famer. What exactly has Barry Bonds done that's worse?! (Besides being an enormous jerk, of course.)

I'm asking you this question because I struggle to answer it. Don't get me wrong... I hate Barry Bonds as much today as I ever have, but I can't quite figure out why I can't stand him and yet I still get a kick out of Perry.

Billy Martin's Comeback

2007-07-27T16:03:00.000-04:00

I must have gotten some bad information a long time ago. Several years back someone told me that the reason I haven't seen Billy around lately is because he died in some sort of wacky car accident. It turns out those idiots were wrong!

Billy must have gone back for a law degree because I see he's now representing that Mike Vick kid in that ugly dog fighting case. Billy's changed his appearance fairly significantly from the days when we worked together. I don't think I would have recognized him.

Mike Vick, if you're reading this, you picked a great attorney. Billy is and always has been a fighter. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, which makes me wonder about how difficult the bar exam is these days, but he's a bit of a pit bull...oops, I guess that's not the best analogy for this one. Well, you know what I mean!

Jorge Posada, You're No Thurman Munson!

2007-07-24T20:38:00.001-04:00

Did you know he pronounces it "whore-hey", by the way? Kinda funny, don't you think?

Anyway, Jorge is another one of those kids we found floating on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. We found him first though and laid claim to him, totally pissing off the rest of the league. As I always say with these floaters, "finders keepers, losers Red Sox!"

So our boy Jorge is having a nice season at the plate. He's currently hitting .334, which is remarkable given that he's never even approached .300 in any of his previous seasons with us! Before you go wondering whether he's on the juice or not, let me set the record straight: No, we couldn't possibly have enough juice in our clubhouse for Giambi and anyone else!

So now people are starting to talk about Posada like he's a Hall of Fame candidate or the next coming of Thurman Munson. Come on, people! Munson had a career batting average of .292 and he's not in Cooperstown, so don't expect Posada to magically show up there. Besides, just how much bronze would they need to put those huge ears on a plaque?! I often wonder whether he can get satellite TV/radio through those things. They're huge!

Tampa Bay and Kansas City

2007-07-24T20:22:00.000-04:00

We've cut the Red Sox lead to 7.5 games, which is pretty impressive. We've done it mostly with scheduling magic. Did you know we get to play the Devil Rays and the Royals 120 times this year, leaving only 42 games for other opponents? Yep, some would call it a scheduling coincidence, but I like to say a stack of dead presidents can make pretty much anything happen. Money does indeed buy happiness! Anyone who tells you otherwise is either broke, a loser or a broke loser.

Vick, Bonds and That Gamblin' NBA Ref

2007-07-23T19:12:00.000-04:00

Boy, it's a tough time to be commissioner for MLB, the NFL or the NBA. There's a reason I'm so doggone rich though, and it mostly has to do with the fact that I'm extremely smart. The older I get the more charitable I seem to be. So, I'm going to do all three of those commissioners a favor and tell them how they can solve their current problems:

First up, Michael Vick. This one's pretty simple. Give Vick the option of leaving the NFL for good or spending 2 hours tied to one of those rape stands they found at his house. Oh, and don't forget that those 2 hours include full "access" to Vick by at least 6 of those hungry, horny dogs he tortured. My money's on early retirement, but don't tell the NBA ref.

Next up, Barry Bonds. I've written before about this fella. He's no good for our game. I mean, he's taking the most important record in sports away from a guy who earned it the proper way: not with steroids but with good, old-fashioned greenies! How do we fix this problem? Well, either Bonds is telling the truth or he's not. I say only his scrotum knows for sure, so let's have him drop trou to prove his innocence. As Johnnie Cochran might have said, "if his balls ain't gone, let his record live on!"

Finally, that crazy story about the NBA ref who has supposedly had death threats because of unpaid gambling debts. This guy apparently bet on games he officiated. Are you as stunned as I am? I mean, people actually bet on NBA games?! Seriously though, how do you "fix" this problem? How about making this guy listen to Bill Walton game analysis for 6 straight hours? Nah, I'm sure that would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

The Truth About Shelley Duncan

2007-07-22T20:01:00.000-04:00

Who is this guy and where did he come from? The "official" report says he's the son of Cardinals coach Dave Duncan. Yeah, right...

This is all about science, folks. Remember Shelley Long, the actress from the old TV show Cheers? How about Sandy Duncan, that old actress/dancer with the glass eye? Well, I'm here to tell you that we, The New York Yankees, helped these two gals produce their own love child.

As you can tell from Duncan's photo on the left, the science is far from perfect. Yeah, I know...he looks like that banjo-playing kid from Deliverance. Whatever. As you can see though, this science project can hit!

When 21-4 Isn't a Blowout

2007-07-22T19:50:00.001-04:00

Wanna know why we have to keep scoring runs no matter how large our lead? Why did we have Pettitte keep pitching through 6 full innings despite being up 14-3 after 5 innings?

Well take a look at that fat oaf pictured on the left. That's why. With "relievers" like Brian Bruney and his 9.45 (!) ERA in his last 10 games, no lead is safe.

Torre wanted to bring him in today's 21-4 win and I had to call him (on my iPhone) and tell him NO! He had the bum get up twice in the bullpen; both times I called and told him to sit his fat butt down.

Who Is This Vizcaino Fella?!

2007-07-22T11:12:00.000-04:00

Cashman tells me he's yet another one of these kids we found floating on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. Does that matter to me?! Heck no! Look at what he did for us yesterday... This kid picked up W's in both games of our doubleheader against Tampa Bay! Two wins in one day! Hell, some of our pitchers can't get that in an entire month!

And get this: He managed to do this while only throwing 33 pitches the whole day (19 in one game and 14 in the other)!

I told Cashman that after a performance like this we need to have this kid pitch every game for us. He tells me that would result in "fatigue and arm problems." What do I care? A win is a win, and even if he can't throw anymore I'll bet he can get me a great deal on some Cuban cigars!

I need to head down to the locker room and introduce myself to this fellow...

What I've Learned from Harry Potter

2007-07-22T11:00:00.000-04:00

No, I don't read this crap! I've never even seen any of the movies. What I've learned from this little wizardy guy isn't the story he tells but rather the money he makes.

Did you know that people actually lined up to buy this stupid book?! I tried to get over to my local B&N on Friday night to pick up the latest issue of Old People magazine and I couldn't even get in the joint! Btw, if you're wondering why I don't just save a few bucks and get this via subscription, well, you just don't get it; when you get to be my age you just don't know if you'll outlive a 12-month subscription, and I sure as hell don't want Cashman to enjoy my fully paid subscription after I've kicked the bucket!

Anyway, back to the lesson learned... So it's all about getting people jazzed up as well as supply and demand. With that in mind, I'm now working on our own Harry Potter promotion down at the stadium. We're planning the big night for July 31st and we'll be playing an unknown team...I'm keeping it a secret for now just to add to the mystery. NO, DON'T LOOK AT OUR EXISTING SCHEDULE. I KNOW IT SAYS WE'RE PLAYING THE WHITE SOX THAT NIGHT, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA. IT MIGHT BE THE SOX, BUT IT MIGHT NOT BE...

Stay tuned. More details to come shortly. Boy, isn't this exciting?!

The Hair Really Does Matter

2007-07-20T22:47:00.001-04:00

I've never had a "bad hair day." Ever. That's right. Look at this great picture of me from the '70's. Do you see a single hair out of place? No way!

Everyone's on me because I criticized the hairdo on that goofy actor who plays me in that damned ESPN miniseries. His hair looks ridiculous. Mine, on the other hand, looks fantastic. I mean, look at how the end flips back up so nicely.

Kinda reminds me of Marlo Thomas in "That Girl." Truth be told, that was one of my favorite shows. I used to fantasize that I was Marlo's boyfriend, Donald Hollinger. Ah, those were the days.

Anyway, one of my pet peeves is bad hair. I can't stand it on anybody, so you can only imagine how disturbing it is to see it on the clown that's playing me in this stupid show. I'll tell you what's worse, though...seeing that horrible hair on Cashman's melon every freakin' day! That guy's been losing his hair since the day he joined our club. Man, he needs a wig...and a complete makeover...

Buying Wins

2007-07-19T12:16:00.001-04:00

OK, we've got a mini-winning streak going here and we somehow managed to close the gap with the Red Sox to only 7 games. So what. I'm not impressed and I have zero confidence in this team.

We need wins. As the head honcho around here, I consider it a key part of my job to come up with creative new ways to win. I've even outdone myself this time though...

I asked Cashman this simple question: "What does Tampa Bay have that we need?" What a dumbass. He had no idea. I finally told him, "Wins, you idiot!". They're sitting on 37 wins so far this season and what's it gonna get them in the end? Absolutely nothing! It doesn't matter if they win 30 more games or only 2 more games the rest of the way because they're going to finish in last place.

So now I figure I need to spoon feed my idea to Cashman. I then asked him, "What do we have plenty of that Tampa Bay would love?" Again, he has no clue. "Money!", I tell him. Now he's really getting confused so I have to spell it out for him.

Then I said, "OK, you dimwit, here's what I want you to do: Call up their GM and ask them how much money they'd want for, say, 10 of their wins."

Do you know what he said? "Gee Boss, I don't think we're allowed to buy wins from another team." Do you see the naysayer attitude I have to work with around here? I finally screamed at him and said, "JUST MAKE THE DAMNED CALL!"

I'll let you know how it goes, but if we could get 10 of their wins and give them 10 of our losses, suddenly we're sitting in first place with a 3-game lead! And all of this, courtesy of the most brilliant mind in professional sports...me!

No, I'm Not Giving The Yankees to the Gates Foundation!

2007-07-18T19:36:00.000-04:00

Who writes this crap anyway?! Have you seen this article over on eTrueSports?! I'm supposedly going to just donate the Yankees to the Gates Foundation! Yeah, right.

Microsoft is so 1990's-ish. There's no way I'd give the team to these clowns! They can't even release a reliable desktop operating system. No way.

Nope, I've decided to hand the team over to the Google Foundation. Now those guys know what Web 2.0 is all about! It puts my mind at ease just knowing that the Yankees will have a future that features all the latest technologies. And anything I can do to leave my kids penniless also makes me feel warm all over. I consider it a win-win...something the Yankees haven't been able to do all season.

I Wish Johnny Damon Was Still An Idiot

2007-07-17T08:56:00.001-04:00

Remember that long-haired freak that used to play for the Red Sox? I thought we got him as a free agent a couple of years ago, but the guy we got can't get on base to save his life!

Look at the stats. Damon is barely hitting his weight at .241 and he's our lead-off hitter? You've got to be kidding me.

I keep telling Torre that he needs to do something about it but he ignores me. Torre reminds me of Billy Martin, but without the passion. Martin would have yelled back at me every time I told him to change something. I loved that about him. That's why it was so doggone hard to fire him all those times.

Anyway, back to Damon. Am I the only one that thinks he throws like a girl? I'm pretty sure my 77 year-old legs could tag up to 3rd on him, even if it's a pop up to short center. The guy simply has no arm. It's tragic, but remarkable that he's been able to call himself an outfielder all these years.

Overdressed for the Plate

2007-07-16T12:10:00.000-04:00

What's with all the elbow pads, shin guards, instep brackets and every other piece of gear guys are wearing to the batters box these days? Heck, no wonder Barry Bonds can't run -- he's carrying around about 50 extra pounds of padding and armor!

Take a look at video and photos from the 1980's and before. Can you find a single player who wore any of this crap? No! That's because the players were tougher back then. Hell, rumor has it that Yogi Berra once played an entire season without a cup! Now that's tough.

I'd like to see A-Rod try that, just for one game. Yeah, and then I'd like to see one take a bad hop and nail him right in the nads. Let's see how tough he really is.

Gary Sheffield's Black and White World

2007-07-15T15:45:00.001-04:00

Now that he's gone I guess I can just admit it: I never liked that Sheffield fellow. He fought with everybody, was a cancer on the clubs he played for before ours and, well, that whole "Shef's chefs" thing never made much sense to me. I mean, who the hell wears a baker's hat to the ballpark?! I got stuck behind those guys one time and couldn't see a damned thing.

His latest outburst has to do with our team and Joe Torre in particular. Supposedly we're a bunch of racists. He said Joe calls out the black players in front of the team but pulls the white ones into his office to save them from embarrassment.

OK Gary, if you're so smart, what do you think Torre does with Jeter? You do know he's biracial, right? Yeah, that's right Mr. Smartypants. I got you on this one!!! What, do you think Torre berates him in front of the team and pulls him into his office? I don't think so!

My advice to Mr. Sheffield: Think before you speak next time. There might be some exceptions that you haven't considered!

Not So Sure About This Mark Cuban Fellow

2007-07-14T16:31:00.001-04:00

You know, he really doesn't look Cuban. I've heard him speak and he doesn't even have a Cuban accent. What's up with that?

You probably know more about him than I do. After all, I'm not much of an NBA fan. I don't see what the attraction is to a sport featuring a bunch of freaks with pituitary gland problems. If most of those guys would have gotten the proper medical treatment when they were younger they wouldn't be the circus sideshow freaks they are today.

Anyway, I see he's looking to buy the Chicago Cubs. I guess that would be OK, especially since they're not in our league and all, but I'm not sure I trust the guy. He's gotten into all sorts of hot water with the NBA, basically calling them a bunch of old farts. Well hey, I just happen to be one of the oldest, fartiest people involved in baseball, so watch your step Mr. Cuban!

I'm also worried that he'll have a direct line to all those future defectors coming from his homeland. That's not much of a benefit in the NBA but let me tell ya, it's a huge plus here in the world of baseball!

Alfonso Soriano

2007-07-10T20:48:00.000-04:00

Can someone please remind me of why we gave up on this kid? He looks like he's done pretty well for himself since we dumped him. I mean, he's playing in the freakin' All Star game tonight!

He plays outfield now, right? I don't think any of our outfielders made the All Star team. Heck, we weren't happy with how he played second base, but I'm pretty sure our second baseman isn't on the All Star team either. We could really use a fella like this on our club this year.

I hope we got something good for him when we sent him packing. Wait a minute. Wasn't he part of the A-Rod deal a few years ago? Well, I guess it's worked out OK for us, as long as you don't count the post season.

Driving Me Nuts!!!!

2007-07-10T12:12:00.000-04:00

How do these darned videos keep getting leaked?! Every so often it seems someone manages to get a video clip of me doing things around the office. In this particular case, I had just befriended the Toronto mascot. Nice bird.

Where the hell is my mascot, by the way?!

Charlie Weis Had Gastro-Bypass Surgery?!

2007-07-10T09:15:00.001-04:00

It's All Star break time and when there are no games on my mind tends to wander. Today I was thinking about losing a few pounds and I asked Cashman to look into that bypass surgery everyone seems to be getting. Totally by coincidence I noticed a story in this morning's paper about Charlie Weis...

Did you know he actually had this surgery done a few years ago?! He's in the news because he's suing his doctors for flubbing the job.

Hey, do we really need to waste precious jury time on this one? I mean, heck, just take a look at that picture. Yeah, I'd say it was a botched job!

Cashman Screws Up Buehrle Negotiations!

2007-07-09T12:20:00.000-04:00

When am I gonna learn?! If I want something done right around here, I just need to do it myself! I told Cashman to get Buehrle from the White Sox. I didn't care what the price was. We need pitching, especially from the left side.

I tell him nobody's untouchable in a potential trade. Hell, I'd love to get rid of some of these over-paid egomaniacs anyway. (Without naming names, I'm thinking of someone whose name begins with "A" and ends with "Rod".)

So what does Cashman do? He comes back and tells me he couldn't work a deal and that the Sox just signed him to a contract extension. Great job, Brian.

That ain't how it worked when I was making things happen here in the old days. If I wanted someone, dammit, I opened the checkbook and got 'em. No matter what the price, they became a Yankee.

I told Cashman I'm less than pleased with these results. I also told him he needs to get us some pitching help before the trading deadline or he might as well pack up his office. I'm gathering some empty boxes for him either way.

Not Dead Yet!

2007-07-05T10:21:00.000-04:00

I'm talking about me, you idiot, not the team! Everyone is speculating that I'm in failing health. To quote Mark Twain, "rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated!" How about that...you don't fire a guy for a week or two and they assume you no longer have a pulse! I'm doing fine, thank you very much.

The ballclub, on the other hand, is on life support. I'm starting to wonder if these clowns could even beat a decent high school squad. 4 hits yesterday! On my freakin' birthday, no less. What a bunch of overpaid spoiled brats.

Schilling Blogs Too

2007-07-04T13:10:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I just discovered it. It's over at 38Pitches.com, although after reading a few of the posts I think a better name would have been 38Bitches.com! The guy whines about everything!

I know plenty of people like and respect Shilling, but he's not Yankees material. Never has been and never will be. Plus, I don't think a chubby belly like his would look good in the pinstripes. Kinda reminds me of another fatboy, David Wells. Yikes, it's good to have him out of here once and for all!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2007-07-04T09:50:00.001-04:00

Yes indeed, it's The Boss's 77th birthday today! "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!"

I snuck downstairs early this morning to get a glimpse of the cake Mrs. Boss bought. As you can see from the picture, she usually goes with the Yankees theme.

Cashman gave me an early birthday gift yesterday. He said he won't waste any more of my money on bad trades/signings. Funny guy, that Cashman. I got news for him... He's gonna have plenty of time on his hands to enjoy his next birthday (unemployed) if he doesn't get this damned team fixed!

Ooh, I'm supposed to be wowed by 2 wins in a row! Big freakin' deal!

350 Wins Don't Impress Me

2007-07-03T08:20:00.000-04:00

Seriously, I don't think it's a big deal. Some other fella did it back in '63, so it's not like it's never been done before! And hell, most of those wins didn't even happen when Clemens was with our ballclub, so why all the hubbub?

Let's talk about something far more interesting than that... What are you getting me for my birthday tomorrow, Roger? Come on. I know you can afford something big, so don't let me down!!!

My Grandkids Are Stalking Me!!!

2007-07-02T19:24:00.000-04:00

I've made the rules quite clear to my kids: No annoying grandkids are allowed to bother me outside 2-3 every other Sunday! Pretty simple, don't you think? Can they follow simple directions? No, and here's video evidence to prove my point.

Several of these little brats camped out overnight outside my estate, just waiting for my driver to show up. Dammit! I can't remember their names but I'm definitely gonna write each and every one of them out of my will!

Narron Out...Who's Next?...

2007-07-02T12:58:00.001-04:00

I'm thinking of someone whose initials are "JT"...

Yeah, the Reds had the balls to dump their manager and now everyone's asking me when I'm gonna get the stones to do the same. Well, it's nice to see that while I'm mulling it over, this fellow blogger has given plenty of thought to why Billy Joel should be our next skipper. I just wouldn't want him put in charge of driving the team bus anytime soon!

All Star Voting Farce

2007-07-02T08:09:00.000-04:00

It's a farce, people...wake up and smell the coffee! Do you really think Barry Bonds won the popular vote as a starter for the All Star game? If so, I've got a certain worn out first baseman/DH facing a steroids inquiry that I'd like to sell you, dirt cheap!

Seriously, nobody likes this guy. Even in his hometown he's looked at with skepticism. MLB simply "adjusted" the results a bit so that he'd make the roster. No big deal. They've done it before and they'll do it again. Anything for a buck, which isn't exactly the worst motto in the world!

I choose to remember Bonds from his Pirates days, when he was known as a thin, fast man. Hard to believe it's the same guy. The one pictured here could probably curl up and fit inside Bonds' batting helmet these days!

Hargrove Quits, Torre Stays: Welcome to Bizaro World!

2007-07-01T20:29:00.000-04:00

What the hell?! Mike Hargrove resigns from the Mariners...a team that's 12 games over .500?!

OK, I know I'm gonna be 77 in a few days, I haven't had any other signs of senility yet, but why do I feel like I'm suddenly losing my mind?!

Joe, our little team is now 4 games below .500 and light years away from playoff contention. How do you sleep at night?

Proctor Gets Torched, Then Tries To Do Same To Gear

2007-07-01T17:19:00.000-04:00

The A's lit up the scoreboard against Proctor yesterday, so what does he do? He tries to take it out on his glove and jockstrap by setting them on fire...right on the damned field!

These guys (here and here) thought they got the story right on their blogs. I was there though and feel compelled to set the record straight...

Proctor can't hit the target when he's on the mound and he missed his damned junk pile when he threw the lit match last night. The dumbass wound up tossing the match right into a half-filled trash can in the dugout. The whole dugout almost went up in flames before we managed to find an extinguisher and put it out.

"The Bronx is Burning"...My Ass!

2007-07-01T13:14:00.000-04:00

I beg of you...DON'T WATCH THIS CRAP ON ESPN! Have you heard of this new Bronx is Burning series they're going to air this month? Look at this fat oaf they have playing me!

When they originally approached me to get our approval for the series I said yes, but with one condition: Brad Pitt has to play me. They said he was busy with something else. Bullshit! So instead they find this loser with a bad haircut and an awful wardrobe to play me?! No way! I'm not watching this garbage and neither should you.

Had a Dream Last Night

2007-07-01T13:02:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I had a dream last night. It was all about firing Joe Torre. It felt pretty good. Woke up a new man.

I still worry about the community outrage this might cause. After all, everybody loves Joe because he's "such a nice guy", "always treats the players with respect", "doesn't yell and scream" and all that other crap you hear about him. So I decided to use technology to help me with my problem...

I recently launched a site called firejoetorre.com. Go to it. Voice your opinion. I'll check back in over the next few days and I'll follow the popular vote, assuming I haven't already fired him by then!

P.S. -- I never really liked the way he wears his hat. Have you ever noticed? He wears those darned old-fashioned ones! Joe, have you ever heard of low-profile caps?! Jees, we've got tons of 'em in the clubhouse...pick one up and put it on!

I Miss the Good Old Days

2007-07-01T12:54:00.000-04:00

While trying to distract myself from the train wreck known as the current season, I couldn't help but daydream to yesteryear. 2000. Gosh, has it really been that long since we've won a World Series? What a team we had back then...the fellas really pulled together back in those days. A few extra million bucks seemed to make a difference in 2000. Now I feel like I'm just wasting my money, day in, day out.

Speaking of which, this "team" managed to squeeze out all of one hit against the Oakland A's yesterday. We're talking about Oakland, a team that probably doesn't makes as much as what I'm paying ARod by himself! A team that is 3-7 in their last 10 games! All they had to do was come to our house to get some momentum.

I'll tell you what, I'm past the point of being pissed off and am not going to just sit back and watch this continue. Don't be surprised when some big things happen in the coming days...

Anyone Got Some Scotch Tape?!

2007-07-01T08:38:00.000-04:00

I need to try and reassemble that Torre resignation letter after all...

Farnsworth, CHILL OUT!

2007-06-30T10:43:00.000-04:00

I told you we were back on the winning track yesterday! It's all because of me and my emergency team meeting. I plan to continue spreading the man love across the team every day to keep this 1-game streak alive!

There was a dark moment in last night's game though. Did you see crybaby Kyle Farnsworth's meltdown after Joe pulled him? That wuss threw his glove into the dugout. Actually, he tried to throw it into the dugout. He showed the same control with his glove that he has on the mound. My apologies to the fan in box 106, row 18, seat 7 -- if you'll bring the glove back to us we'll exchange it for something from our Chuck Knoboloch ball-in-the-stands collection. We might even let you have the coveted one that hit Keith Olbermann's mom in the face. (You'll find Farnsworth's glove is completely worthless on eBay, btw, so don't bother...)

Note to Farnsworth: Joe wanted to keep you in but I nagged him via my new iPhone (he's speed dial #3!). You're no closer, my boy! We had to get The Sandman in there before you caused another late-inning implosion. Once again, I made the right call.

Torre Is NOT Resigning...Yet...

2007-06-29T12:38:00.000-04:00

Despite rumors to the contrary, Joe Torre is NOT resigning anytime soon. It's true that he brought a resignation letter to me earlier today, but I tore it up right in front of him. I'm showing you a picture of it here just to prove that I'm not letting him go.

I told him he needs to buck up and fight through this mess. I also asked him if he knows how to get ahold of Joe Girardi, but only because I want to invite him to a party this weekend. Torre took it all the wrong way and stormed out of my office in a huff. Go figure.

Tomorrow's Starting Pitcher Jennie Finch?...

2007-06-29T09:41:00.000-04:00

Yeah, that's right... Have you seen this gal pitch? I saw some footage of her last night and am thinking she might be just what we need in our starting rotation.

Hey, if Bill Veeck can use a midget to fill a few more seats, why can't I have some hot blonde do the same for us? Sure, we'll have to alter the uniform a bit, especially since those pinstripes might make her hips and butt look too wide, but that's money well spent!

Good Team Meeting!

2007-06-28T12:11:00.000-04:00

Wow, I'm totally rejuvenated! I just called a full team meeting and I'm confident it will result in a complete turnaround.

I decided to try some of that "reverse psychology" on 'em. You see, we're in the midst of a 4-game losing streak and it's the day after a shutout where we only managed to get 5 freakin' hits! It's fair to say I'm more pissed now than I was when we melted down in the 2004 playoffs against those pricks from Boston.

Did I let my anger show through when I met with the team? No way! In fact, I went to every player in that room, gave each one a tight hug and told every last one of them that I love them deeply. Matsui pulled back at first...I think it was that damned language barrier again, but I'm pretty darned sure my message got through, loud and clear.

(Note to self: In the future, it might be best to skip the hugs with the guys that are just coming out of the shower.)

Talkin' Financials with Cashman

2007-06-28T11:58:00.000-04:00

I just left a meeting with Cashman. I marched into his office and wrote this on his marker board:

36-39 = $195 million

He gave me a puzzled look. "What's that all about, chief?", he asked. (I hate it when he calls me "chief", btw.)

So I sez, "Well, it's not some kinda 'new math', if that's what you're wondering...and stop calling me 'chief'!" I said, "That, Mr. Senior VP & General Manager, is an equation that simply won't work. It's our record on one side and the inflated payroll you negotiated on the other."

Can you believe that?! I'm paying $195 million for a 36-39 record?! I'm gonna call a team meeting here in a bit and see if I can't shake some sense into this team.

Got My iPhone!

2007-06-28T08:40:00.000-04:00

Yeah, that's right...it pays to have connections. Steve is a good friend of mine and he sent me an iPhone last week. That's mine on the left and Cashman's old piece of crap on the right. (He doesn't deserve current technology, not until he gets this damned team turned around!)

I still haven't figured out how to use the crazy thing though. Can you believe there are no buttons on it? How the hell do do you do anything with this?! I got frustrated and just left it on my desk, but then I realized it was still on and all sorts of colorful things were flashing across the screen. I had to turn it over.

When I do finally figure it out I know exactly what my speed dial list is going to look like:

#1 - Cashman (You never know when you need to make an emergency trade.)
#2 - Cashman (In case I can't get him via that first entry.)
#3 - The Yankees Dugout (Torre doesn't always know when it's best to make a pitching change.)
#4 - Cashman (As a backup, just in case either of those first two entries don't work.)
#5 - Paris Hilton (Thankfully, our long, national nightmare is over and I'll be able to talk to her again.)

Thoughts on Trading Clemens

2007-06-28T08:35:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know, it would be a radical move. The truth is, the other fellas on the team just aren't giving him the run support he needs to be successful.

I wonder if those twits in Boston would give us Dice K in a straight up trade for Roger. He looks kinda dejected in that picture, don't you think?

This would actually solve two problems for us. Besides getting a young, strong righty into the rotation, it would also give Matsui someone to hang out with. He's always going out for sushi by himself and I feel bad for the guy...even if his haircut does look like Moe's from The Three Stooges.

Who the Hell is Humberto Sanchez...

2007-06-27T19:36:00.000-04:00

...and why am I paying him $380K this year?! I'm no fool -- this fellow doesn't even wear one of our team's uniforms!

Cashman, is this another one of your relatives trying to make a fast buck by acting as a phantom employee of the team?!

Yet Another Loss

2007-06-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

Boy, this is getting so old. We're 3 and 7 in our last 10 games and these losers, that's right, you guys are a bunch of losers, have dropped 3 games in a row! I throw millions of my hard-earned cash at this team and all they can muster up is 2 friggin' runs?!

Andy, nice pitching job, by the way. You tossed 7 strong innings, only gave up 2 runs and your chump teammates can't score more than 2 runs of their own...

THERE'S NO HEART ON THIS TEAM!!! WHERE ARE OVER-ACHIEVERS THESE DAYS?! MAN, I'D GIVE HALF MY PERSONAL FORTUNE FOR ANOTHER SCOTT BROSIUS! THEY JUST DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

OH, AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON SCOTT "HOW CAN I LOSE THIS ONE?" PROCTOR!!!! WHAT DID HE DO LAST NIGHT...LET'S SEE...HE PITCHED TO 4 BATTERS, GOT ONE OUT AND GAVE UP THE WINNING RUN. I CAN'T WAIT TO READ HIS UPCOMING BOOK. I HEAR IT'S CALLED "HOW I MADE $446K WITH A 1-5 RECORD".

SOMETHING'S GOTTA CHANGE AROUND HERE...THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

CASHMAN, GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

DAMMIT, CASHMAN!!!!

2007-06-27T09:55:00.000-04:00

Man, I don't know what it takes to get good help these days!!!! After making that last post I ducked over to Cashman's office and that naysayer tells me Bryant plays basketball, not baseball. Guess what?! I DON'T FREAKIN' CARE!!!!

If the guy is expensive and fills a void on the team, we need to get him here. Lord knows we don't have a good shooting guard today, so I told Cashman to keep working on a possible deal.

I'm beginning to think our real problem this year isn't so much on-field performance as it is off-field vision. It's a damned good thing I'm still in charge!

Kobe Bryant...NY Yankee?

2007-06-27T09:48:00.000-04:00

I keep hearing that Kobe Bryant is looking for a change of scenery. Not sure if he's tired of the west coast or what, but he's a big-name player, he could be just what we need and I think he'd look great in pinstripes.

Sure he'd be an expensive acquisition, but I'm The Boss and I get what I want, right Clemens?! Luxury tax, schmuxury tax!

P.S. -- I sure hope Bud Selig hasn't discovered this blog yet...that jerk would probably accuse me of meddling on this one...I'll see if I can get Cashman right on it. Maybe we can get him in the starting lineup tonight!

Cashman Meeting Notes

2007-06-26T19:52:00.001-04:00

I'm going to use this blog to give you a glimpse of what happens behind the scenes of the world's most important sports franchise...

Had a big meeting with Cashman today. It was right after lunch. Chinese food. I had General Tso's chicken. I don't know who the hell General Tso was, or if he even fought for our army, but damn, he makes good chicken...

Anyway, back to the meeting. So this Cashman guy, well, I goofed by entrusting him with the Yankees purse strings. Big mistake! I mean, this is the guy who got us Carl Pavano! The guy's won, what, 5 freakin' games in the last 3 years?! Great investment Brian, great investment.

So while I'm listening to Cashman going on and on about how he's gonna "turn the season around" and that he "just needs to spend a few more million", the ole General is starting to toss and turn in my belly.

The "critical notes" I took during the meeting are shown above. Yeah, I'm a doodler and I couldn't stop thinking about those darned fortune cookies! How do they get those fortunes inside anyway? And how do those Chinese always know what's going to happen to me?!

One final question: Do you suppose "Cashman" was always his name? I mean, doesn't it seem kinda ironic to you that the guy is always out there spending all my cash, man? Damn, The Boss is funny tonight!!!!!

I'M MAD AS HELL!!!!!

2007-06-26T18:18:00.000-04:00

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT...I'M GEORGE STEINBRENNER AND THIS IS MY BLOG. YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I'M STARTING A BLOG? HEY, HAVE YOU CHECKED THE FREAKIN' STANDINGS RECENTLY?! MY TEAM SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait a minute. That wuss Brian Cashman tells me you're not supposed to use all caps like that unless you're yelling. WELL GUESS WHAT CASHMAN?...I'M YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE'RE 11 GAMES BEHIND THE DAMNED RED SOX AND IT'S NOT EVEN THE ALL-STAR BREAK YET! CLEMENS IS WHINING EVERY DAY THAT HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE SIGNED WITH BOSTON. SHUT UP YOU WHINY BITCH!

OK, wait a minute. I'm gonna settle down now. Say, what do you think of my blog template? I made it all black to reflect my mood. I'll leave it that way UNTIL THESE OVERPAID BASTARDS START WINNING AGAIN!