Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Gagne Best Pitcher on our Payroll

No, he doesn't wear pinstripes. Yes, he "pitches" for the evil Red Sox. But, I'm comin' clean now and telling the world that I personally offered him $1 million to "blow" a couple of saves for the Sox when he was traded to them earlier this year.

I think you'll agree that was the best million bucks I ever invested! Gagne has more than delivered for us, including yet another blown one last night.

I'm gonna call his agent later today and offer another million for two more blow-ups. I figure it's good insurance money for our boys!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

O.J. Is *Back* In Jail?!

Did I sleep through his release or something? I mean, the last I heard, Mr. Simpson was serving hard prison time for killing his ex-wife and that other fella. And now I hear he was out and has been re-arrested for shaking down some guys who stole his "memorabilia"?!

OK, are you as shocked as me? I mean, is there any such thing as "O.J. Simpson memorabilia" these days?! What, is he signing and re-selling gloves and knives?! Who the heck would pay a nickel for O.J. memorabilia?!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

That's It. We're Done.

See that xray? Guess whose elbow that is. That's right. It belongs to Roger Clemens. See the break? The damned thing is almost snapped in two.

Guess what else... That xray isn't from today or yesterday. It's from back in April when we started negotiating with this clown! The nutcase had a broken elbow all this time and is just now telling us about it!

Way to go Cashman. Did you ever think about having the guy take a freakin' physical?! You were so caught up in figuring out how many millions of my dollars to give him that you completely forgot to see if he's healthy!