Wednesday, August 29, 2007

This Gal Makes Farnsworth Look Like a Nobel Laureate

Question: What's the Fastest Way to Give Up a Comfortable Lead?

Answer: Put Kyle Farnsworth on the mound.

Come on, did that two-run shot he just gave up surprise anyone? The guy flat out sucks!

Torre: If you put that loser in another game I'll fire you faster than you can say "Billy Martin"!

Why the Hell Did A-Rod Make a Curtain Call Tonight?!

Did you see that?! I was watching it from the comfort of my owner's box and I couldn't believe it. A-Rod hits a one-run homer. We were already up 2 runs and his shot puts us up by 3. Nobody is calling his name or anything and next thing you know, Mr. Ego hops out of the dugout and doffs his cap!

What the hell?! Hey A-Rod, how about waiting till the fans call for you next time?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Serena Williams Scares Me

Sure, I'm a very old man and just about any woman could kick my butt these days, but this Serena Williams gal scares the crap out of me. Have you seen her lately? She's a beast. I'm pretty sure she could whip just about every guy on our roster, especially that girly man A-Rod.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Loggins & Mussina, The Reunion?

You know, I never really understood why Mike Mussina left Kenny Loggins when they both seemed to be making a lot of money in the music biz. I'll tell you what though, after watching him get shellacked by the Tigers tonight I'm pretty sure Mike will need to find his old Footloose friend for his next meal ticket.

The Moose is done. Stick a fork in him. I don't know if Kenny Loggins can pitch but I'd rather give him a chance than let Mussina make another appearance.

I'm starting to think those guys in Houston are approaching this the right way. I need to fire some people and see if that gets this ballclub back on track.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Holy Crap! I Just Won the Italian Lottery!

Check it out! Click on that image to the left and you'll see the message I recently got from the people at the Italian Lottery. Yep, that's right. I just hit the jackpot!

At first I thought this was a practical joke by Torre or one of the other dago's on the team. Cashman is looking into it for me and he tells me he thinks it's legit. How freakin' cool is that? I mean, I already have more money than I can possibly spend in the rest of my life and now this?!

I might just have to call that cryogenics place back and see if they have any other Ted Williams body parts for sale!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'm Gonna Buy Ted Willams' Frozen Head!

Yep, you read that right. I have some money left over after the trading deadline and since Cashman was unable to get me a ringer, I thought I'd by the head of a dead one!

To tell you the truth, I never believed all the stories I'd read about Ted's head being on ice. So during some travels this week I stopped by the cryogenic facility where the Splendid Splinter's melon now lives and told them to show me the proof. Sure enough, a fellow dipped in with a giant pear of tongs and there he was! I snapped that picture you see here as proof that he's really in there.

The paperwork still needs to be signed and all, but I'm about to acquire the last available piece of one of Boston's true heroes. I've already got a room full of amazing collectibles from over the years (e.g., Billy Martin's last beer bottle, Ruth's last cigarette butt, etc.) but this one goes to the head of the class. Oops, sorry, poor choice of words.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Red Sox are Chokin' and I'm Chucklin'!

Can you believe how fast Boston's divisional lead has melted away? Terry Francona must be sweating like Michael Vick at a PETA meeting.

2004 was so long ago. They might have "reversed the curse" for one year but they'll never lose their knack for the well-timed choke!

Hey, who's lookin' like a genius now for not signing Gagne?!

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Me? In the Hall of Fame? You're Making Me Blush...Sort of...

Hey, have you seen this incredibly insightful and brilliant article by Wallace Matthews, my new favorite reporter? He's lobbying for me to get into the baseball Hall of Fame.

Gee, I don't know what to say...other than yes, I definitely deserve it and if you believe all those reports about my health, you bastards on the HOF committee better take action soon!

To tell you the truth, I didn't even know I did all those things Matthews says about my career in that article. As I read it I kept thinking, gee, this guy is really special. What do we need to do to get him, er, me into the Hall of Fame?

I don't know how to make it happen, but I'm gonna make a few calls and see if I can get this Matthews fella a raise. He's certainly more deserving of my hard-earned cash than Jason Giambi, I can tell you that much! (Speaking of which, what a wussy effort Selig turned in on the whole Giambi investigation! Not only is he not going to fine the oaf, Bud is actually patting the son-of-a-gun on the back! That's the last time I invite the commish to my place for drinks and skinny dipping!)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Scooter Is Gone...And I'm Bummed

My old buddy Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto passed away today. What a character he was. I'm gonna miss him big-time.

My favorite Scooter memory is when he did that crazy play-by-play bit in that song by that Loaf fella. I think the tune was called "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" or something like that. Anyway, the melody itself was awful but it was fun hearing Scooter do his bit.

Sometimes when it was just Phil and I sitting around having a few beers I'd ask him to "do that Paradise thingie!" What a guy. He'd always oblige.

As I mentioned earlier, heaven must have needed a shortstop and let me tell ya, they got a great one in this guy.

Monday, August 13, 2007

I'm in LA...But the Angels Aren't Here!

I think Cashman did this to me on purpose. The first stop on my road trip is Los Angeles and the goal was to see the Angels play. My charter plane landed earlier today and I had a driver take me directly to Angels Stadium. Guess what? Those bastards are on the road right now, playing up in Toronto tomorrow.

All is not lost, however. I managed to get past security to look around a bit. You know those reports about rats all over the stadium? They're right! Check out this picture I took of the floor of the visitors dugout. Gross!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Quick, Somebody Get John Henry a Pint of Blood!

Have you ever seen this John Henry fella, principal owner of the Red Sox, up close? Aw heck, even the typical picture of him in the paper or on TV highlights the problem: John Henry is either a vampire or he's got a horrible blood circulation problem. Look at the guy. He's scary looking.

I met him in person recently and I found myself staring at him. He's nothing short of a freak. He makes Keith Richards look like a healthy young man!

And did you see he's dumping his wife?! That hot young chick in this picture? You've got to be kidding me. Other than the fact that he's got a big bank account, although not as large as mine(!), does he really think he can do better than her?

Wow, maybe what little blood he has just isn't making it to his tiny brain!

The Yankees Bore Me -- I'm Going on a Road Trip

Yeah, I know. It's a weird time to take a road trip. We just closed the gap with the Sox to 4 games and are in a dead heat with the Mariners for the wildcard. Big deal. Ever since my 77th birthday I've decided life's too short to sit around and get angry with a bunch of under-performers.

I'm heading out tomorrow morning, but I'm not gonna tell you where I'm heading till I'm already there. Sort of like that Matt Lauer thing on the Today Show. We can call this, "Where In The World is The Boss"!

More details to come...

P.S. -- There's no way I'm gonna bother stopping in San Francisco. I don't want to see that human growth hormone freak known as Barry Bonds.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Ankiel's First Better Than Bonds' 756th

Man, my eyes welled up with tears watching Rick Ankiel hit that homerun last night. Talk about a feel good story. Wow!

Contrast that with the walking syringe, AKA Barry Bonds, and his 756th homer with an asterisk. I almost vomited watching replays of that one. It's a shame some people will actually look at him as the new king. Yuck.

Speaking of Ankiel though, I find it intriguing that a pitcher can reinvent himself as a position player. Do you suppose there's any chance we could convert our entire bullpen into position players? I mean, whatever they've been doing this year certainly doesn't qualify as "pitching", so why not give it a shot? Get it? "Shot", picture of a syringe... Yeah, I know. I missed my calling as a comedian. Cashman never seems to laugh though. I think his mom dropped him one time too many when he was a baby.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Clemens Suspension: 5 Games Is Nice, 10 Would Be Better

Even when we screw up we wind up screwing up. Jeez! I told Torre to have Clemens plunk that Toronto fella in the back in the hopes that he'd get a lengthy suspension. I mean, have you seen the guy's record? He's 4-5 and I'm paying him roughly the GNP of a small country to "pitch" for us this year!

So what do those weenies in the league office do? They suspend him for all of 5 freakin' games. That doesn't help us! This guy is losing 56% of his games and I have to put him back into the starting rotation again after a 5-game suspension?

What does a guy have to do to get a 10- or 20-game suspension around here? If steroids will do the trick I'll be happy to inject 'em in his butt myself!

Babe Ruth Says We Suck

I just woke up from my afternoon nap. Boy do I feel refreshed!

I had a vivid dream about the old Bambino himself, Babe Ruth. I'm tellin' ya, I could even smell the guy's farts...that's how realistic this thing was!

Anyway, he tells me he's totally embarrassed to be associated with the Yankees these days. He went on to say our entire team flat out sucks. He said I should fire every single one of them and start over.

Babe went on to tell me he thinks Kyle Farnsworth is the worst of them all. Not just current Yankees. The worst since the beginning of the franchise back in 1903. Can you believe it?!

One other thing...he told me that signing Clemens was a huge mistake. Oh sure, now he tells me, long after I've shelled out millions for the season. He says he's still chuckling at Roger's current 4-5 record and asked me to tell him once again how much we're paying him. I told him "about $26 million" and the Bambino just about crapped his pants laughing.

What does that lard ass know, anyway?

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Barry Bonds Rookie Card

After digging through piles of boxes in my basement I think I've stumbled upon a gold mine. Yes, I have a rookie card from Barry Bonds' first season in the major leagues. You can't tell me this guy hasn't been juicing up since back then. His whole body just looks so much larger now, don't you think?

This baby must be worth a small fortune!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Bud Selig Is Boycotting Barry Bonds!

Yep, at this very moment, the Giants are hosting the Nationals. Barry "Mr. Steroids" Bonds is sitting at 755 homeruns and guess where the commish, Bud Selig is? He just pulled up to my house and I snapped the picture you see here as he walked in the front door.

That's right. Bud and I are getting ready to enjoy a sandwich and a nice soft drink. We'll probably play a bit of pinochle too. But there's one thing we won't be doing: watching that drug-laced freak break Hank Aaron's hallowed record.

Mike Myers Loses His Mojo

I couldn't believe it when Cashman signed this guy but I'm thrilled the experiment is over. You may have heard, we finally dumped Mike Myers today. Don't get me wrong. I loved him in Austin Powers and Wayne's World, but the guy couldn't throw a pitch to save his life.

I need to keep a closer eye on Cashman. He's liable to sign George Carlin or Eddie Murphy next. What a freakin' idiot. No wonder this team is such a mess.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Why ARod Won't Catch Bonds

The big news yesterday of course was that ARod hit his 500th home run and that guy on steroids hit #755. Everybody's talking about how Mr. Steroids won't hold the record for long because ARod "is the youngest to get to 500."

You know what I say? Big deal. It doesn't matter.

ARod will never get to 755. Why? Two words: Pretty boy.

If you knew ARod like I know ARod you'd agree. All he cares about is what he looks like and whether the chicks will notice him. He spends more time grooming his hair than lifting weights.

Did you know he was ready to quit baseball a couple of years ago? He wasn't happy with the hat-hair his batting helmet was giving him. We had to pull a couple of scientists off their quest to cure cancer so they could help us design a more hair-friendly batting helmet. Have you noticed how when ARod takes his off now his hair is still perfect? That's what $2 million of accelerated research and development gets you these days.

Nah, this kid spends way too much time in front of the mirror to bother with any baseball records. And since the steroid scandal means that chicks don't dig the long ball like they used to, we'll all have to get used to Mr. Steroids owning the record for a long, long time, I'm afraid.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

I Love Cracker Jack Prizes!

I love Cracker Jacks. I eat boxes of 'em all day long. My doctor tells me I need to cut back, but hey, I don't smoke or drink so I figure this is my one vice.

What do I love most about Cracker Jacks? The prizes! Man, those darned things are the best! It's the unknown aspect that gets me so excited about them. Sort of like what we can expect from this new Betamit kid Cashman just traded for...

Speaking of Cashman, that bastard wouldn't let me put the temporary tattoo that came in one of my Cracker Jack boxes today. He said "it wouldn't be very dignifying" of me to walk around with a temporary tattoo on. Screw him. I went ahead and applied it to my butt when he wasn't looking!

Friday, August 3, 2007

Why I Love Matsui

I've been a huge fan of Hideki Matsui ever since he joined our club. Every time I see him he brings a smile to my face. I couldn't quite figure out why till I watched a 24-hour Three Stooges marathon on cable today.

Matsui looks just like Moe! Heck, they could be distant relatives! I'm gonna try some nyuck, nyuck lines on him when I see him tomorrow.

Moe...what a funny guy. I wonder if I'd look good with that haircut.

Boycott Conde Nast (and That Prick Frank Lidz)

These guys are really starting to piss me off. Did you see this damned article in Conde Nast today? This bastard Frank Lidz writes that I've become like Howard Hughes or am in the early stages of Alzheimer's. What a prick.

Do me a favor. Join my boycott of anything that has to do with or even sounds like Conde Nast. That includes Condi Rice and Jerry Nast, a guy I went to high school with. Come on people, let's show 'em who's The Boss!

By the way, what the hell kind of name is "Frank Lidz"?! Is that bastard part of the ballcap empire? If so, I'm gonna sue him for all he's worth. Yeah, that's right...I can still kick some ass when I need to!

Selling the YES Network

You may have heard the rumors but I'm here to give you the facts. We are indeed getting ready to dump the YES Network. It's not because I need the money or because we're trying to "dismantle the empire" as that stupid report put it. I'm just tired of watching these bums lose game after game.

Cashman says "you don't have to watch" and "you can just change the channel." Sure, that's what a commoner would do! I'm The Boss though and I always do things in a big, big way. The network goes on eBay tomorrow and bids must be in by the following Saturday.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Why We Didn't Go After Gagne

Boy, my e-mail in-box is overflowing after yesterday's trading deadline. (Btw, if you have a question, drop me a line at

Everyone wants to know why we didn't go after Eric Gagne. A couple of people even said we should have done it just to prevent the Red Sox from getting him.

Ah, once again I prove how I know more than all of you combined. You see folks, it is possible to have too much talent in your bullpen. The Red Sox were already at that point before Gagne showed up. Now that he's there, watch out! They're going to completely collapse.

We, on the other hand, are showing how to get it done with almost no pitching talent whatsoever. I didn't want to screw with that formula, and believe me, adding a guy of Gagne's caliber would have really changed the chemistry. Guys like Farnsworth would have been out there constantly asking Gagne for an autograph.

No siree, we're going to win this thing with the bats. Cashman worked up a spreadsheet for us yesterday and as long as we can score an average of 16.3 runs per game we should be fine. I'm still not sure where we'll get the .3 from though.

Btw, how do you like that photo of our existing pitching staff? Those monkeys are always playing games!