Monday, October 22, 2007

Indians Garko Found Drunk In Boston

I guess Indians first-baseman Ryan Garko was serious about that comment regarding the taste of champagne on the road. My sources tell me the kid went out after that 11-2 Indians collapse last night and tossed down a few bottles of the bubbly anyway...right there in Boston!

In fact, he drank so much that he passed out in the gutter and was subsequently mugged, losing both his wallet and his dignity. Thankfully for him, he had no World Series ring to lose in the robbery!

Paul Byrd Was Using HGH? I Knew It!!!!

Remember that old fart that beat us in the LCS last week? Paul Byrd was his name and I just knew something wasn't right with him. First I thought he was the pitcher from that movie Major League back in the 1980's. Heck, that probably was him, but today we hear bigger news: That guy has been taking HGH for several years now!

OK, most guys take that stuff and bulk up like Barry Bonds, right? So what happened with this dude? Well, after I got curious during our series with the Indians I decided to have a hidden camera installed in their locker room. Check out Byrd's feet on the way to the shower!!! Shit, all that HGH apparently went to his damned feet! (The dude's got some seriously bony knees, btw!)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

You Heard It Here First: Joe Girardi Is Our Next Manager!

Poor ol' Joe Torre. He couldn't accept the pay reduction we offered. Let me tell ya though...we paid him too much these last 7 years and there's no way I'm going to continue that trend. Hell, I think he should be paying me for the privilege of managing the "New York Freakin' Yankees!"

I'm going to let you in on a secret... See that picture on the left? That's not from several years ago...that's from earlier this afternoon! We brought Girardi in to look around The Stadium and, get this, he asked if he could wear the pinstripes while taking the tour. How cool is that?!

Actually, Girardi didn't think this was so cool after all. He's pointing to my son and telling him to "get that damned camera away from that stupid old man!" Don't take it the wrong way though...Joe's a big fan of mine.

Everyone's talking about how Don Mattingly is the lead candidate for the job. No way. I don't believe in promoting from within. That's way too humane for my tastes. Nah, I prefer a guy to come here, get a taste of what it's all about and then learn the business somewhere else. Mattingly has no experience outside of our organization and he's been drinking the Kool-Aid for too long. Girardi's my man!

"Why Aren't You Blogging More?..."

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked that same damned question by all you whiny so-called fans of mine. Some of you think I've lost my mind and can't remember to blog, or at least that's what the media would have you believe.

No! The truth of the matter is I'm extremely busy trying to figure out the right way to tell Torre that he's fired. If you've got any ideas, please e-mail them to me:

Friday, October 12, 2007

Where's the Indians-Red Sox Game?...

The local paper said something about the Indians-Red Sox game coming on Fox around 7:00 tonight. There must have been a rainout because Fox keeps showing Red Sox batting practice video all night. Why the heck would they waste precious Friday night prime time with BP?!

Oh, wait a minute... It looks like it's the Indians turn for some BP. But why is Eric Gagne pitching it?

Boy, I hope the Rockies-Diamondbacks game isn't rained out as well. I really want to watch some baseball tonight.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Who the Hell is Paul Byrd?!

I'm sitting here in my luxury box at Yankee Stadium watching game #4 of the ALDS and I'm tellin' ya, I've seen this movie before, literally. This Paul Byrd fella, wasn't he the old pitcher in Major League, the movie? I think he went by the name Eddie Harris back then.

Amazingly enough, we can't even hit off a former actor who hasn't been seen on the mound since the 1990's! Man, our offense sucks. Oh, and don't get me started on the pitching...

Let's see... Has a team ever won a championship with no hitting and no pitching?

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Torre's Toast

Yes, that's right folks. I've already publicly stated that if we don't win tonight Mr. Torre will not be back next year. What I didn't say though, was that even if we win tonight, tomorrow and all the way through the World Series, Torre's still not coming back in 2008.

I'm sick and tired of these overpaid, spoiled brats melting down in the postseason. I can't fire the whole damned team, although Lord knows I'd love to, so I'm gonna start with their manager...and maybe the G.M. as well.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Those Aren't Gnats in Cleveland!

Hey folks, those aren't gnats attacking the players in the game tonight. They're flies! I mean, have you ever been to Cleveland? It's like a giant pile of dog doo!

Will the last person leaving please flush the toilet that's known as the city of Cleveland?

ARod Sucks!

I just watched our pretty boy third-baseman strike out in the top of the 7th with a runner on in a one-run game. This guy flat out sucks in the post season. I lobbied Cashman to dump him last year and he ignored me. He puts up insane numbers in the regular season and can't do crap in the postseason.

If we don't advance in this series it's nobody's fault but ARod's. Hell, I could strike out in a playoff game. I don't need to pay him millions to do it for me!