Farnsworth, CHILL OUT!

I told you we were back on the winning track yesterday! It's all because of me and my emergency team meeting. I plan to continue spreading the man love across the team every day to keep this 1-game streak alive!

There was a dark moment in last night's game though. Did you see crybaby Kyle Farnsworth's meltdown after Joe pulled him? That wuss threw his glove into the dugout. Actually, he tried to throw it into the dugout. He showed the same control with his glove that he has on the mound. My apologies to the fan in box 106, row 18, seat 7 -- if you'll bring the glove back to us we'll exchange it for something from our Chuck Knoboloch ball-in-the-stands collection. We might even let you have the coveted one that hit Keith Olbermann's mom in the face. (You'll find Farnsworth's glove is completely worthless on eBay, btw, so don't bother...)

Note to Farnsworth: Joe wanted to keep you in but I nagged him via my new iPhone (he's speed dial #3!). You're no closer, my boy! We had to get The Sandman in there before you caused another late-inning implosion. Once again, I made the right call.

Torre Is NOT Resigning...Yet...

Despite rumors to the contrary, Joe Torre is NOT resigning anytime soon. It's true that he brought a resignation letter to me earlier today, but I tore it up right in front of him. I'm showing you a picture of it here just to prove that I'm not letting him go.

I told him he needs to buck up and fight through this mess. I also asked him if he knows how to get ahold of Joe Girardi, but only because I want to invite him to a party this weekend. Torre took it all the wrong way and stormed out of my office in a huff. Go figure.

Tomorrow's Starting Pitcher Jennie Finch?...

Yeah, that's right... Have you seen this gal pitch? I saw some footage of her last night and am thinking she might be just what we need in our starting rotation.

Hey, if Bill Veeck can use a midget to fill a few more seats, why can't I have some hot blonde do the same for us? Sure, we'll have to alter the uniform a bit, especially since those pinstripes might make her hips and butt look too wide, but that's money well spent!

Good Team Meeting!

Wow, I'm totally rejuvenated! I just called a full team meeting and I'm confident it will result in a complete turnaround.

I decided to try some of that "reverse psychology" on 'em. You see, we're in the midst of a 4-game losing streak and it's the day after a shutout where we only managed to get 5 freakin' hits! It's fair to say I'm more pissed now than I was when we melted down in the 2004 playoffs against those pricks from Boston.

Did I let my anger show through when I met with the team? No way! In fact, I went to every player in that room, gave each one a tight hug and told every last one of them that I love them deeply. Matsui pulled back at first...I think it was that damned language barrier again, but I'm pretty darned sure my message got through, loud and clear.

(Note to self: In the future, it might be best to skip the hugs with the guys that are just coming out of the shower.)

Talkin' Financials with Cashman

I just left a meeting with Cashman. I marched into his office and wrote this on his marker board:

36-39 = $195 million

He gave me a puzzled look. "What's that all about, chief?", he asked. (I hate it when he calls me "chief", btw.)

So I sez, "Well, it's not some kinda 'new math', if that's what you're wondering...and stop calling me 'chief'!" I said, "That, Mr. Senior VP & General Manager, is an equation that simply won't work. It's our record on one side and the inflated payroll you negotiated on the other."

Can you believe that?! I'm paying $195 million for a 36-39 record?! I'm gonna call a team meeting here in a bit and see if I can't shake some sense into this team.

Got My iPhone!

Yeah, that's right...it pays to have connections. Steve is a good friend of mine and he sent me an iPhone last week. That's mine on the left and Cashman's old piece of crap on the right. (He doesn't deserve current technology, not until he gets this damned team turned around!)

I still haven't figured out how to use the crazy thing though. Can you believe there are no buttons on it? How the hell do do you do anything with this?! I got frustrated and just left it on my desk, but then I realized it was still on and all sorts of colorful things were flashing across the screen. I had to turn it over.

When I do finally figure it out I know exactly what my speed dial list is going to look like:

#1 - Cashman (You never know when you need to make an emergency trade.)
#2 - Cashman (In case I can't get him via that first entry.)
#3 - The Yankees Dugout (Torre doesn't always know when it's best to make a pitching change.)
#4 - Cashman (As a backup, just in case either of those first two entries don't work.)
#5 - Paris Hilton (Thankfully, our long, national nightmare is over and I'll be able to talk to her again.)

Thoughts on Trading Clemens

Yeah, I know, it would be a radical move. The truth is, the other fellas on the team just aren't giving him the run support he needs to be successful.

I wonder if those twits in Boston would give us Dice K in a straight up trade for Roger. He looks kinda dejected in that picture, don't you think?

This would actually solve two problems for us. Besides getting a young, strong righty into the rotation, it would also give Matsui someone to hang out with. He's always going out for sushi by himself and I feel bad for the guy...even if his haircut does look like Moe's from The Three Stooges.

Who the Hell is Humberto Sanchez...

...and why am I paying him $380K this year?! I'm no fool -- this fellow doesn't even wear one of our team's uniforms!

Cashman, is this another one of your relatives trying to make a fast buck by acting as a phantom employee of the team?!

Yet Another Loss

Boy, this is getting so old. We're 3 and 7 in our last 10 games and these losers, that's right, you guys are a bunch of losers, have dropped 3 games in a row! I throw millions of my hard-earned cash at this team and all they can muster up is 2 friggin' runs?!

Andy, nice pitching job, by the way. You tossed 7 strong innings, only gave up 2 runs and your chump teammates can't score more than 2 runs of their own...

THERE'S NO HEART ON THIS TEAM!!! WHERE ARE OVER-ACHIEVERS THESE DAYS?! MAN, I'D GIVE HALF MY PERSONAL FORTUNE FOR ANOTHER SCOTT BROSIUS! THEY JUST DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

OH, AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON SCOTT "HOW CAN I LOSE THIS ONE?" PROCTOR!!!! WHAT DID HE DO LAST NIGHT...LET'S SEE...HE PITCHED TO 4 BATTERS, GOT ONE OUT AND GAVE UP THE WINNING RUN. I CAN'T WAIT TO READ HIS UPCOMING BOOK. I HEAR IT'S CALLED "HOW I MADE $446K WITH A 1-5 RECORD".

SOMETHING'S GOTTA CHANGE AROUND HERE...THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

CASHMAN, GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

DAMMIT, CASHMAN!!!!

Man, I don't know what it takes to get good help these days!!!! After making that last post I ducked over to Cashman's office and that naysayer tells me Bryant plays basketball, not baseball. Guess what?! I DON'T FREAKIN' CARE!!!!

If the guy is expensive and fills a void on the team, we need to get him here. Lord knows we don't have a good shooting guard today, so I told Cashman to keep working on a possible deal.

I'm beginning to think our real problem this year isn't so much on-field performance as it is off-field vision. It's a damned good thing I'm still in charge!

Kobe Bryant...NY Yankee?

I keep hearing that Kobe Bryant is looking for a change of scenery. Not sure if he's tired of the west coast or what, but he's a big-name player, he could be just what we need and I think he'd look great in pinstripes.

Sure he'd be an expensive acquisition, but I'm The Boss and I get what I want, right Clemens?! Luxury tax, schmuxury tax!

P.S. -- I sure hope Bud Selig hasn't discovered this blog yet...that jerk would probably accuse me of meddling on this one...I'll see if I can get Cashman right on it. Maybe we can get him in the starting lineup tonight!

Cashman Meeting Notes

I'm going to use this blog to give you a glimpse of what happens behind the scenes of the world's most important sports franchise...

Had a big meeting with Cashman today. It was right after lunch. Chinese food. I had General Tso's chicken. I don't know who the hell General Tso was, or if he even fought for our army, but damn, he makes good chicken...

Anyway, back to the meeting. So this Cashman guy, well, I goofed by entrusting him with the Yankees purse strings. Big mistake! I mean, this is the guy who got us Carl Pavano! The guy's won, what, 5 freakin' games in the last 3 years?! Great investment Brian, great investment.

So while I'm listening to Cashman going on and on about how he's gonna "turn the season around" and that he "just needs to spend a few more million", the ole General is starting to toss and turn in my belly.

The "critical notes" I took during the meeting are shown above. Yeah, I'm a doodler and I couldn't stop thinking about those darned fortune cookies! How do they get those fortunes inside anyway? And how do those Chinese always know what's going to happen to me?!

One final question: Do you suppose "Cashman" was always his name? I mean, doesn't it seem kinda ironic to you that the guy is always out there spending all my cash, man? Damn, The Boss is funny tonight!!!!!

I'M MAD AS HELL!!!!!

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT...I'M GEORGE STEINBRENNER AND THIS IS MY BLOG. YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I'M STARTING A BLOG? HEY, HAVE YOU CHECKED THE FREAKIN' STANDINGS RECENTLY?! MY TEAM SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait a minute. That wuss Brian Cashman tells me you're not supposed to use all caps like that unless you're yelling. WELL GUESS WHAT CASHMAN?...I'M YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE'RE 11 GAMES BEHIND THE DAMNED RED SOX AND IT'S NOT EVEN THE ALL-STAR BREAK YET! CLEMENS IS WHINING EVERY DAY THAT HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE SIGNED WITH BOSTON. SHUT UP YOU WHINY BITCH!

OK, wait a minute. I'm gonna settle down now. Say, what do you think of my blog template? I made it all black to reflect my mood. I'll leave it that way UNTIL THESE OVERPAID BASTARDS START WINNING AGAIN!