Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Nobody Wanted Farnsworth...Nobody

What an exhausting day. I'm glad it's over. We didn't bring in the talent I was hoping for, but the real story had to do with who we couldn't give away: Kyle Farnsworth. I mean, we tried to dump him on every single team in the league. No takers.

Heck, at one point, I was ready to unload him for a 1983 Chrysler K car, but no go. This guy is damaged goods and everyone knows it.

I'm sitting here watching us beat the snot out of the White Sox. We're up 14 to 3 and Torre finally thinks that's a safe enough lead to bring Farnsworth in for. I'm not so sure. Fingers crossed...

Good Riddance to Proctor...But Why Betemit?!

I won't lie about it...I'm glad to see Scott Proctor leave us. He was worthless. But why in the world did Cashman trade him for this Betemit fella?! He's hitting a whopping .231 this year. Just what we needed...

I Covet Dontrelle Willis

There. I admitted it. I love this guy and I desperately want him in pinstripes. Today is the trading deadline and I told Cashman to make it happen or he's fired. We'll see what happens.

He's not just a great lefty, he also looks very cool in a ballcap. I've tried wearing one the way he does but I look silly. I'm hoping he'll give me some hat fashion tips when we get him on the Yankees.

Monday, July 30, 2007

When Did Tony Gwynn Get So Damned Fat?!!!

Holy crap! Did you see Tony Gwynn at the Hall of Fame induction ceremonies yesterday? The dude is now large enough to qualify as a planet. Enormous.

Hey, push back from the buffet, big fella!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Why Gaylord Perry But Not Barry Bonds?

I'd like to get serious for a moment and share something that's been troubling me. Why is it that we allowed Gaylord Perry into the Hall of Fame but we say Barry Bonds shouldn't be eligible? Remember old Gaylord? He of the spitter and other means of cheating from the mound?...

Everyone always chuckles about Perry, acknowledges that he cheated but has no problem whatsoever recognizing him as a Hall of Famer. What exactly has Barry Bonds done that's worse?! (Besides being an enormous jerk, of course.)

I'm asking you this question because I struggle to answer it. Don't get me wrong... I hate Barry Bonds as much today as I ever have, but I can't quite figure out why I can't stand him and yet I still get a kick out of Perry.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Billy Martin's Comeback

I must have gotten some bad information a long time ago. Several years back someone told me that the reason I haven't seen Billy around lately is because he died in some sort of wacky car accident. It turns out those idiots were wrong!

Billy must have gone back for a law degree because I see he's now representing that Mike Vick kid in that ugly dog fighting case. Billy's changed his appearance fairly significantly from the days when we worked together. I don't think I would have recognized him.

Mike Vick, if you're reading this, you picked a great attorney. Billy is and always has been a fighter. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, which makes me wonder about how difficult the bar exam is these days, but he's a bit of a pit bull...oops, I guess that's not the best analogy for this one. Well, you know what I mean!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Jorge Posada, You're No Thurman Munson!

Did you know he pronounces it "whore-hey", by the way? Kinda funny, don't you think?

Anyway, Jorge is another one of those kids we found floating on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. We found him first though and laid claim to him, totally pissing off the rest of the league. As I always say with these floaters, "finders keepers, losers Red Sox!"

So our boy Jorge is having a nice season at the plate. He's currently hitting .334, which is remarkable given that he's never even approached .300 in any of his previous seasons with us! Before you go wondering whether he's on the juice or not, let me set the record straight: No, we couldn't possibly have enough juice in our clubhouse for Giambi and anyone else!

So now people are starting to talk about Posada like he's a Hall of Fame candidate or the next coming of Thurman Munson. Come on, people! Munson had a career batting average of .292 and he's not in Cooperstown, so don't expect Posada to magically show up there. Besides, just how much bronze would they need to put those huge ears on a plaque?! I often wonder whether he can get satellite TV/radio through those things. They're huge!

Tampa Bay and Kansas City

We've cut the Red Sox lead to 7.5 games, which is pretty impressive. We've done it mostly with scheduling magic. Did you know we get to play the Devil Rays and the Royals 120 times this year, leaving only 42 games for other opponents? Yep, some would call it a scheduling coincidence, but I like to say a stack of dead presidents can make pretty much anything happen. Money does indeed buy happiness! Anyone who tells you otherwise is either broke, a loser or a broke loser.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Vick, Bonds and That Gamblin' NBA Ref

Boy, it's a tough time to be commissioner for MLB, the NFL or the NBA. There's a reason I'm so doggone rich though, and it mostly has to do with the fact that I'm extremely smart. The older I get the more charitable I seem to be. So, I'm going to do all three of those commissioners a favor and tell them how they can solve their current problems:

First up, Michael Vick. This one's pretty simple. Give Vick the option of leaving the NFL for good or spending 2 hours tied to one of those rape stands they found at his house. Oh, and don't forget that those 2 hours include full "access" to Vick by at least 6 of those hungry, horny dogs he tortured. My money's on early retirement, but don't tell the NBA ref.

Next up, Barry Bonds. I've written before about this fella. He's no good for our game. I mean, he's taking the most important record in sports away from a guy who earned it the proper way: not with steroids but with good, old-fashioned greenies! How do we fix this problem? Well, either Bonds is telling the truth or he's not. I say only his scrotum knows for sure, so let's have him drop trou to prove his innocence. As Johnnie Cochran might have said, "if his balls ain't gone, let his record live on!"

Finally, that crazy story about the NBA ref who has supposedly had death threats because of unpaid gambling debts. This guy apparently bet on games he officiated. Are you as stunned as I am? I mean, people actually bet on NBA games?! Seriously though, how do you "fix" this problem? How about making this guy listen to Bill Walton game analysis for 6 straight hours? Nah, I'm sure that would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Truth About Shelley Duncan

Who is this guy and where did he come from? The "official" report says he's the son of Cardinals coach Dave Duncan. Yeah, right...

This is all about science, folks. Remember Shelley Long, the actress from the old TV show Cheers? How about Sandy Duncan, that old actress/dancer with the glass eye? Well, I'm here to tell you that we, The New York Yankees, helped these two gals produce their own love child.

As you can tell from Duncan's photo on the left, the science is far from perfect. Yeah, I know...he looks like that banjo-playing kid from Deliverance. Whatever. As you can see though, this science project can hit!

When 21-4 Isn't a Blowout

Wanna know why we have to keep scoring runs no matter how large our lead? Why did we have Pettitte keep pitching through 6 full innings despite being up 14-3 after 5 innings?

Well take a look at that fat oaf pictured on the left. That's why. With "relievers" like Brian Bruney and his 9.45 (!) ERA in his last 10 games, no lead is safe.

Torre wanted to bring him in today's 21-4 win and I had to call him (on my iPhone) and tell him NO! He had the bum get up twice in the bullpen; both times I called and told him to sit his fat butt down.

Who Is This Vizcaino Fella?!

Cashman tells me he's yet another one of these kids we found floating on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. Does that matter to me?! Heck no! Look at what he did for us yesterday... This kid picked up W's in both games of our doubleheader against Tampa Bay! Two wins in one day! Hell, some of our pitchers can't get that in an entire month!

And get this: He managed to do this while only throwing 33 pitches the whole day (19 in one game and 14 in the other)!

I told Cashman that after a performance like this we need to have this kid pitch every game for us. He tells me that would result in "fatigue and arm problems." What do I care? A win is a win, and even if he can't throw anymore I'll bet he can get me a great deal on some Cuban cigars!

I need to head down to the locker room and introduce myself to this fellow...

What I've Learned from Harry Potter

No, I don't read this crap! I've never even seen any of the movies. What I've learned from this little wizardy guy isn't the story he tells but rather the money he makes.

Did you know that people actually lined up to buy this stupid book?! I tried to get over to my local B&N on Friday night to pick up the latest issue of Old People magazine and I couldn't even get in the joint! Btw, if you're wondering why I don't just save a few bucks and get this via subscription, well, you just don't get it; when you get to be my age you just don't know if you'll outlive a 12-month subscription, and I sure as hell don't want Cashman to enjoy my fully paid subscription after I've kicked the bucket!

Anyway, back to the lesson learned... So it's all about getting people jazzed up as well as supply and demand. With that in mind, I'm now working on our own Harry Potter promotion down at the stadium. We're planning the big night for July 31st and we'll be playing an unknown team...I'm keeping it a secret for now just to add to the mystery. NO, DON'T LOOK AT OUR EXISTING SCHEDULE. I KNOW IT SAYS WE'RE PLAYING THE WHITE SOX THAT NIGHT, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA. IT MIGHT BE THE SOX, BUT IT MIGHT NOT BE...

Stay tuned. More details to come shortly. Boy, isn't this exciting?!

Friday, July 20, 2007

The Hair Really Does Matter

I've never had a "bad hair day." Ever. That's right. Look at this great picture of me from the '70's. Do you see a single hair out of place? No way!

Everyone's on me because I criticized the hairdo on that goofy actor who plays me in that damned ESPN miniseries. His hair looks ridiculous. Mine, on the other hand, looks fantastic. I mean, look at how the end flips back up so nicely.

Kinda reminds me of Marlo Thomas in "That Girl." Truth be told, that was one of my favorite shows. I used to fantasize that I was Marlo's boyfriend, Donald Hollinger. Ah, those were the days.

Anyway, one of my pet peeves is bad hair. I can't stand it on anybody, so you can only imagine how disturbing it is to see it on the clown that's playing me in this stupid show. I'll tell you what's worse, though...seeing that horrible hair on Cashman's melon every freakin' day! That guy's been losing his hair since the day he joined our club. Man, he needs a wig...and a complete makeover...

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Buying Wins

OK, we've got a mini-winning streak going here and we somehow managed to close the gap with the Red Sox to only 7 games. So what. I'm not impressed and I have zero confidence in this team.

We need wins. As the head honcho around here, I consider it a key part of my job to come up with creative new ways to win. I've even outdone myself this time though...

I asked Cashman this simple question: "What does Tampa Bay have that we need?" What a dumbass. He had no idea. I finally told him, "Wins, you idiot!". They're sitting on 37 wins so far this season and what's it gonna get them in the end? Absolutely nothing! It doesn't matter if they win 30 more games or only 2 more games the rest of the way because they're going to finish in last place.

So now I figure I need to spoon feed my idea to Cashman. I then asked him, "What do we have plenty of that Tampa Bay would love?" Again, he has no clue. "Money!", I tell him. Now he's really getting confused so I have to spell it out for him.

Then I said, "OK, you dimwit, here's what I want you to do: Call up their GM and ask them how much money they'd want for, say, 10 of their wins."

Do you know what he said? "Gee Boss, I don't think we're allowed to buy wins from another team." Do you see the naysayer attitude I have to work with around here? I finally screamed at him and said, "JUST MAKE THE DAMNED CALL!"

I'll let you know how it goes, but if we could get 10 of their wins and give them 10 of our losses, suddenly we're sitting in first place with a 3-game lead! And all of this, courtesy of the most brilliant mind in professional sports...me!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

No, I'm Not Giving The Yankees to the Gates Foundation!

Who writes this crap anyway?! Have you seen this article over on eTrueSports?! I'm supposedly going to just donate the Yankees to the Gates Foundation! Yeah, right.

Microsoft is so 1990's-ish. There's no way I'd give the team to these clowns! They can't even release a reliable desktop operating system. No way.

Nope, I've decided to hand the team over to the Google Foundation. Now those guys know what Web 2.0 is all about! It puts my mind at ease just knowing that the Yankees will have a future that features all the latest technologies. And anything I can do to leave my kids penniless also makes me feel warm all over. I consider it a win-win...something the Yankees haven't been able to do all season.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I Wish Johnny Damon Was Still An Idiot

Remember that long-haired freak that used to play for the Red Sox? I thought we got him as a free agent a couple of years ago, but the guy we got can't get on base to save his life!

Look at the stats. Damon is barely hitting his weight at .241 and he's our lead-off hitter? You've got to be kidding me.

I keep telling Torre that he needs to do something about it but he ignores me. Torre reminds me of Billy Martin, but without the passion. Martin would have yelled back at me every time I told him to change something. I loved that about him. That's why it was so doggone hard to fire him all those times.

Anyway, back to Damon. Am I the only one that thinks he throws like a girl? I'm pretty sure my 77 year-old legs could tag up to 3rd on him, even if it's a pop up to short center. The guy simply has no arm. It's tragic, but remarkable that he's been able to call himself an outfielder all these years.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Overdressed for the Plate

What's with all the elbow pads, shin guards, instep brackets and every other piece of gear guys are wearing to the batters box these days? Heck, no wonder Barry Bonds can't run -- he's carrying around about 50 extra pounds of padding and armor!

Take a look at video and photos from the 1980's and before. Can you find a single player who wore any of this crap? No! That's because the players were tougher back then. Hell, rumor has it that Yogi Berra once played an entire season without a cup! Now that's tough.

I'd like to see A-Rod try that, just for one game. Yeah, and then I'd like to see one take a bad hop and nail him right in the nads. Let's see how tough he really is.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Gary Sheffield's Black and White World

Now that he's gone I guess I can just admit it: I never liked that Sheffield fellow. He fought with everybody, was a cancer on the clubs he played for before ours and, well, that whole "Shef's chefs" thing never made much sense to me. I mean, who the hell wears a baker's hat to the ballpark?! I got stuck behind those guys one time and couldn't see a damned thing.

His latest outburst has to do with our team and Joe Torre in particular. Supposedly we're a bunch of racists. He said Joe calls out the black players in front of the team but pulls the white ones into his office to save them from embarrassment.

OK Gary, if you're so smart, what do you think Torre does with Jeter? You do know he's biracial, right? Yeah, that's right Mr. Smartypants. I got you on this one!!! What, do you think Torre berates him in front of the team and pulls him into his office? I don't think so!

My advice to Mr. Sheffield: Think before you speak next time. There might be some exceptions that you haven't considered!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Not So Sure About This Mark Cuban Fellow

You know, he really doesn't look Cuban. I've heard him speak and he doesn't even have a Cuban accent. What's up with that?

You probably know more about him than I do. After all, I'm not much of an NBA fan. I don't see what the attraction is to a sport featuring a bunch of freaks with pituitary gland problems. If most of those guys would have gotten the proper medical treatment when they were younger they wouldn't be the circus sideshow freaks they are today.

Anyway, I see he's looking to buy the Chicago Cubs. I guess that would be OK, especially since they're not in our league and all, but I'm not sure I trust the guy. He's gotten into all sorts of hot water with the NBA, basically calling them a bunch of old farts. Well hey, I just happen to be one of the oldest, fartiest people involved in baseball, so watch your step Mr. Cuban!

I'm also worried that he'll have a direct line to all those future defectors coming from his homeland. That's not much of a benefit in the NBA but let me tell ya, it's a huge plus here in the world of baseball!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Alfonso Soriano

Can someone please remind me of why we gave up on this kid? He looks like he's done pretty well for himself since we dumped him. I mean, he's playing in the freakin' All Star game tonight!

He plays outfield now, right? I don't think any of our outfielders made the All Star team. Heck, we weren't happy with how he played second base, but I'm pretty sure our second baseman isn't on the All Star team either. We could really use a fella like this on our club this year.

I hope we got something good for him when we sent him packing. Wait a minute. Wasn't he part of the A-Rod deal a few years ago? Well, I guess it's worked out OK for us, as long as you don't count the post season.

Driving Me Nuts!!!!

How do these darned videos keep getting leaked?! Every so often it seems someone manages to get a video clip of me doing things around the office. In this particular case, I had just befriended the Toronto mascot. Nice bird.

Where the hell is my mascot, by the way?!

Charlie Weis Had Gastro-Bypass Surgery?!

It's All Star break time and when there are no games on my mind tends to wander. Today I was thinking about losing a few pounds and I asked Cashman to look into that bypass surgery everyone seems to be getting. Totally by coincidence I noticed a story in this morning's paper about Charlie Weis...

Did you know he actually had this surgery done a few years ago?! He's in the news because he's suing his doctors for flubbing the job.

Hey, do we really need to waste precious jury time on this one? I mean, heck, just take a look at that picture. Yeah, I'd say it was a botched job!

Monday, July 9, 2007

Cashman Screws Up Buehrle Negotiations!

When am I gonna learn?! If I want something done right around here, I just need to do it myself! I told Cashman to get Buehrle from the White Sox. I didn't care what the price was. We need pitching, especially from the left side.

I tell him nobody's untouchable in a potential trade. Hell, I'd love to get rid of some of these over-paid egomaniacs anyway. (Without naming names, I'm thinking of someone whose name begins with "A" and ends with "Rod".)

So what does Cashman do? He comes back and tells me he couldn't work a deal and that the Sox just signed him to a contract extension. Great job, Brian.

That ain't how it worked when I was making things happen here in the old days. If I wanted someone, dammit, I opened the checkbook and got 'em. No matter what the price, they became a Yankee.

I told Cashman I'm less than pleased with these results. I also told him he needs to get us some pitching help before the trading deadline or he might as well pack up his office. I'm gathering some empty boxes for him either way.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Not Dead Yet!

I'm talking about me, you idiot, not the team! Everyone is speculating that I'm in failing health. To quote Mark Twain, "rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated!" How about that...you don't fire a guy for a week or two and they assume you no longer have a pulse! I'm doing fine, thank you very much.

The ballclub, on the other hand, is on life support. I'm starting to wonder if these clowns could even beat a decent high school squad. 4 hits yesterday! On my freakin' birthday, no less. What a bunch of overpaid spoiled brats.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Schilling Blogs Too

Yeah, I just discovered it. It's over at 38Pitches.com, although after reading a few of the posts I think a better name would have been 38Bitches.com! The guy whines about everything!

I know plenty of people like and respect Shilling, but he's not Yankees material. Never has been and never will be. Plus, I don't think a chubby belly like his would look good in the pinstripes. Kinda reminds me of another fatboy, David Wells. Yikes, it's good to have him out of here once and for all!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes indeed, it's The Boss's 77th birthday today! "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me!"

I snuck downstairs early this morning to get a glimpse of the cake Mrs. Boss bought. As you can see from the picture, she usually goes with the Yankees theme.

Cashman gave me an early birthday gift yesterday. He said he won't waste any more of my money on bad trades/signings. Funny guy, that Cashman. I got news for him... He's gonna have plenty of time on his hands to enjoy his next birthday (unemployed) if he doesn't get this damned team fixed!

Ooh, I'm supposed to be wowed by 2 wins in a row! Big freakin' deal!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

350 Wins Don't Impress Me

Seriously, I don't think it's a big deal. Some other fella did it back in '63, so it's not like it's never been done before! And hell, most of those wins didn't even happen when Clemens was with our ballclub, so why all the hubbub?

Let's talk about something far more interesting than that... What are you getting me for my birthday tomorrow, Roger? Come on. I know you can afford something big, so don't let me down!!!

Monday, July 2, 2007

My Grandkids Are Stalking Me!!!

I've made the rules quite clear to my kids: No annoying grandkids are allowed to bother me outside 2-3 every other Sunday! Pretty simple, don't you think? Can they follow simple directions? No, and here's video evidence to prove my point.

Several of these little brats camped out overnight outside my estate, just waiting for my driver to show up. Dammit! I can't remember their names but I'm definitely gonna write each and every one of them out of my will!

Narron Out...Who's Next?...

I'm thinking of someone whose initials are "JT"...

Yeah, the Reds had the balls to dump their manager and now everyone's asking me when I'm gonna get the stones to do the same. Well, it's nice to see that while I'm mulling it over, this fellow blogger has given plenty of thought to why Billy Joel should be our next skipper. I just wouldn't want him put in charge of driving the team bus anytime soon!

All Star Voting Farce

It's a farce, people...wake up and smell the coffee! Do you really think Barry Bonds won the popular vote as a starter for the All Star game? If so, I've got a certain worn out first baseman/DH facing a steroids inquiry that I'd like to sell you, dirt cheap!

Seriously, nobody likes this guy. Even in his hometown he's looked at with skepticism. MLB simply "adjusted" the results a bit so that he'd make the roster. No big deal. They've done it before and they'll do it again. Anything for a buck, which isn't exactly the worst motto in the world!

I choose to remember Bonds from his Pirates days, when he was known as a thin, fast man. Hard to believe it's the same guy. The one pictured here could probably curl up and fit inside Bonds' batting helmet these days!

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Hargrove Quits, Torre Stays: Welcome to Bizaro World!

What the hell?! Mike Hargrove resigns from the Mariners...a team that's 12 games over .500?!

OK, I know I'm gonna be 77 in a few days, I haven't had any other signs of senility yet, but why do I feel like I'm suddenly losing my mind?!

Joe, our little team is now 4 games below .500 and light years away from playoff contention. How do you sleep at night?

Proctor Gets Torched, Then Tries To Do Same To Gear

The A's lit up the scoreboard against Proctor yesterday, so what does he do? He tries to take it out on his glove and jockstrap by setting them on fire...right on the damned field!

These guys (here and here) thought they got the story right on their blogs. I was there though and feel compelled to set the record straight...

Proctor can't hit the target when he's on the mound and he missed his damned junk pile when he threw the lit match last night. The dumbass wound up tossing the match right into a half-filled trash can in the dugout. The whole dugout almost went up in flames before we managed to find an extinguisher and put it out.

"The Bronx is Burning"...My Ass!

I beg of you...DON'T WATCH THIS CRAP ON ESPN! Have you heard of this new Bronx is Burning series they're going to air this month? Look at this fat oaf they have playing me!

When they originally approached me to get our approval for the series I said yes, but with one condition: Brad Pitt has to play me. They said he was busy with something else. Bullshit! So instead they find this loser with a bad haircut and an awful wardrobe to play me?! No way! I'm not watching this garbage and neither should you.

Had a Dream Last Night

Yeah, I had a dream last night. It was all about firing Joe Torre. It felt pretty good. Woke up a new man.

I still worry about the community outrage this might cause. After all, everybody loves Joe because he's "such a nice guy", "always treats the players with respect", "doesn't yell and scream" and all that other crap you hear about him. So I decided to use technology to help me with my problem...

I recently launched a site called firejoetorre.com. Go to it. Voice your opinion. I'll check back in over the next few days and I'll follow the popular vote, assuming I haven't already fired him by then!

P.S. -- I never really liked the way he wears his hat. Have you ever noticed? He wears those darned old-fashioned ones! Joe, have you ever heard of low-profile caps?! Jees, we've got tons of 'em in the clubhouse...pick one up and put it on!

I Miss the Good Old Days

While trying to distract myself from the train wreck known as the current season, I couldn't help but daydream to yesteryear. 2000. Gosh, has it really been that long since we've won a World Series? What a team we had back then...the fellas really pulled together back in those days. A few extra million bucks seemed to make a difference in 2000. Now I feel like I'm just wasting my money, day in, day out.

Speaking of which, this "team" managed to squeeze out all of one hit against the Oakland A's yesterday. We're talking about Oakland, a team that probably doesn't makes as much as what I'm paying ARod by himself! A team that is 3-7 in their last 10 games! All they had to do was come to our house to get some momentum.

I'll tell you what, I'm past the point of being pissed off and am not going to just sit back and watch this continue. Don't be surprised when some big things happen in the coming days...

Anyone Got Some Scotch Tape?!

I need to try and reassemble that Torre resignation letter after all...