Hey, have you seen this incredibly insightful and brilliant article by Wallace Matthews, my new favorite reporter? He's lobbying for me to get into the baseball Hall of Fame.
Gee, I don't know what to say...other than yes, I definitely deserve it and if you believe all those reports about my health, you bastards on the HOF committee better take action soon!
To tell you the truth, I didn't even know I did all those things Matthews says about my career in that article. As I read it I kept thinking, gee, this guy is really special. What do we need to do to get him, er, me into the Hall of Fame?
I don't know how to make it happen, but I'm gonna make a few calls and see if I can get this Matthews fella a raise. He's certainly more deserving of my hard-earned cash than Jason Giambi, I can tell you that much! (Speaking of which, what a wussy effort Selig turned in on the whole Giambi investigation! Not only is he not going to fine the oaf, Bud is actually patting the son-of-a-gun on the back! That's the last time I invite the commish to my place for drinks and skinny dipping!)