Sunday, August 5, 2007

Why ARod Won't Catch Bonds

The big news yesterday of course was that ARod hit his 500th home run and that guy on steroids hit #755. Everybody's talking about how Mr. Steroids won't hold the record for long because ARod "is the youngest to get to 500."

You know what I say? Big deal. It doesn't matter.

ARod will never get to 755. Why? Two words: Pretty boy.

If you knew ARod like I know ARod you'd agree. All he cares about is what he looks like and whether the chicks will notice him. He spends more time grooming his hair than lifting weights.

Did you know he was ready to quit baseball a couple of years ago? He wasn't happy with the hat-hair his batting helmet was giving him. We had to pull a couple of scientists off their quest to cure cancer so they could help us design a more hair-friendly batting helmet. Have you noticed how when ARod takes his off now his hair is still perfect? That's what $2 million of accelerated research and development gets you these days.

Nah, this kid spends way too much time in front of the mirror to bother with any baseball records. And since the steroid scandal means that chicks don't dig the long ball like they used to, we'll all have to get used to Mr. Steroids owning the record for a long, long time, I'm afraid.

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