Mussina Sucks

I don't know how this guy can still be on a major league roster. Hell, I don't think he's good enough to strike out a little leaguer.

I'm blogging from my luxury suite here at the Stadium and Manny Ramirez has gone yard on Mussina not once, but twice in the first three friggin' innings. How pathetic is that?

I'm so sick I just tossed my lunch all over Cashman. He deserved it though, keeping this over-the-hill pitcher on our staff way too long. I only wish I could blow more chunks on Girardi for putting him in the starting rotation. This crap is pathetic.

You're Wrong!: Money DOES Buy Happiness

I couldn't help chuckle when reading this pathetic little letter to me by some alleged Yankees fan named Adam Niemi. He's bellyachin' about the same thing I've been hearing about for the past couple of years. "Gee, George, why do you have to move from Yankee Stadium?"

Shut up. It's my team and I can do what I want.

Commoners like you simply don't understand that we can't squeeze any more luxury boxes into Yankee Stadium. So how do you expect my great-great-great-great grandkids to get by if we don't find a solution to this future revenue issue?!

Come on, people. There's a reason why I'm "The Boss" and you're not.

Enjoy the final season in Yankee Stadium. Hell, we're only moving next door, so it's not like we're leaving the Bronx. In a couple of years everyone will forget about the whole debacle. And I'll be counting all the new money that's coming my way! Yeah, baby!!!!

Giambi's Batting Averages Matches His I.Q.

What are the chances? Our "first baseman", and I use the phrase loosely, has an I.Q. of 56 and a batting average of .056. Remarkable. Ever since he stopped using "that stuff" his skills have gone in the crapper.

The only comfort I can take in this is that David Ortiz is also hitting well below the Mendoza line. After yesterday's game he's batting a whopping .091. At least those idiots in Boston have the good sense not to put him on the damned field though! I keep pleading with Girardi to bench Giambi or at least not put him on first...you can see how little weight I carry these days.

Speaking of which, why the hell is Kyle Farnsworth still in pinstripes?! He comes on in the fourth inning of a shutout, pitches two lousy innings (and I mean lousy) and proceeds to get tagged for 2 runs and the loss. Nice. I don't know why we haven't unloaded this chump yet.

Strained Left Quadriceps My Ass!

C'mon Jeter! Are you really content letting everyone think you're sitting this one out due to "strained left quadriceps"?! Please. You've played through so much pain before and now we're supposed to believe a little leg cramping is keeping you out of the lineup.

Toughen up, young man! I'm payin' you way too much to sit on the bench at the start of the season! You better bet back in that lineup tomorrow or there will be hell to pay!

Oh well. At least I can take some comfort in seeing the Red Sox in last place today!

This Team Makes Girardi Sick...Me Too

Jeez, is this 2007 all over again?! I'd give Hank's left hand for a decent pitcher. Ah, hell, who am I kiddin'? I'd give all of Hank for a decent pitcher, or even a utility infielder.

It's gotten so bad that Girardi is starting to skip games, saying he's got a "respiratory infection." C'mon Joe, toughen up there, young man. Even the old guy Torre never tried to use that excuse on me. I know you're throwing up in your office and all, but that's not a medical issue...it's because we're currently sitting in last place. Get off your butt and do something about it!

I Didn't Know that "Giambi" Means "E3" in Italian

Well, I should say I didn't know it till last night. Did you see that ape on the field? That Puma fella over at the Post sums it up pretty well in this article.

Giambi is physically unable to make even the simplest of plays at first base. So you might be asking, "hey, boss, why are you playing him there?"

First of all, don't ever call me "boss." I only let my friends call me that. Second, Giambi played first last night despite my strong protest. Hank is a stubborn shit and won't listen to me and Girardi already thinks he's Einstein reincarnated as a baseball manager. In short, I can't get through to either of them.

You know, in hindsight, Torre's not looking so bad after all. I am gonna be so pissed of the Red Sox finish ahead of us again this season...

Hank Can't Stay Focused!

Can you believe it?! The final opening day of Yankee Stadium and my stupid son Hank is standing out in the friggin' parking lot! Yeah, that's right. Read this story and you'll get the details, although they mis-quoted us a couple of times.

For example, when that fan yelled to me "We're going to have a good season", I didn't yell back "I hope so", like the article says. I told the guy to go to hell. I mean, who's this stranger to tell me what his hopes are for my team this year?!

Here's another one... When they asked Hank why he missed the first part of the game they quoted him as follows: "I wanted to see the opening ceremony. Then I wanted to take a break."

Bullshit! The kid's always had a tiny bladder. What he really said was, "Then I had to take a leak."

Reporters. None of 'em are worth a damn.

Jose Canseco, Scholar (?!)

Our boys got rained out yesterday and the prospects aren't looking much better for tonight's make-up game. That's OK, it gives me more time to read that gripping new book from Jose Canseco, Vindicated.

Speaking of which, have you seen this video (below) of him from ESPN? Who was the genius that decided to interview Canseco in...wait for it...wait for it...a friggin' library?! Please! I'm still not convinced the guy can read and they do this interview in a library with a bunch of books behind him.

Yeah, when I think of Jose Canseco I immediately think of other brainiacs like Einstein and Galileo. Yep, that's right. All Canseco's missing in this interview is a pipe ans smoking jacket. The man is such an egghead!

Fantasy League Time!!

It's my favorite time of the year. Our boys are about to take the field for opening day against the hosers from up north, the Toronto Blue Jays. Please, like they stand a chance in this year's AL East running!...

Although I'm pretty excited for the MLB season to start (and don't even try to tell me that crap about the "real" opener being in Japan last week...), I'm even more thrilled about fantasy baseball. Yeah, that's right. I'm in a fantasy league this year!

What, you don't think it's fair for the owner of the best friggin' ballclub on the planet to get to play fantasy baseball? Well screw you. My "real" team hasn't won a championship in 7 years, so I figure this is the best shot I have of winning it all.

Anyway, our draft was last night. I can't go into the details because a couple of the other fellas in the league are in hot water with MLB right now and I'm sure they wouldn't want the additional "exposure", if you know what I mean.

I will tell you this though: Everyone figured if they got the first pick they'd go with A-Rod. Not me, baby! I'm tired of that spoiled rotten punk. I can't believe Hank and Cashsuck, er, I mean Cashman, re-signed him. I guess it just goes to show you how out of touch I am these days...

Anyway, back to reading my copy of Canseco's new tell-all tale, Vindicated. Sheesh, if I find any more Yankees in this damned book I'm gonna scream!

We Got Us a New Infielder, Baby!!!

I've been gettin' a lot of questions about where I've been since that last post back in December. Well let me tell you, I've been busy running The New York Friggin' Yankees, that's what! But hey, even the Big Guy gets to enjoy the offseason a bit, so give me some slack you envious losers. And oh, let me set the record straight...I'm not dead! Never have been, never will be. Period.

On a lighter note, you may have already heard the news: We recently signed a great new prospect. You may have heard of him from his previous career. His name is Billy Crystal and he fills a void we've had for a long, long time: The slow, white, aging veteran. The last one we had was Babe Ruth and hey, he wasn't half as funny as Billy.

A couple of folks have told me Crystal is only signed for one preseason ballgame. That's a load of crap. I gave Cashman specific instructions to make this a 5-year deal, minimum. That little prick better not have screwed this one up too.