Vick, Bonds and That Gamblin' NBA Ref

Boy, it's a tough time to be commissioner for MLB, the NFL or the NBA. There's a reason I'm so doggone rich though, and it mostly has to do with the fact that I'm extremely smart. The older I get the more charitable I seem to be. So, I'm going to do all three of those commissioners a favor and tell them how they can solve their current problems:

First up, Michael Vick. This one's pretty simple. Give Vick the option of leaving the NFL for good or spending 2 hours tied to one of those rape stands they found at his house. Oh, and don't forget that those 2 hours include full "access" to Vick by at least 6 of those hungry, horny dogs he tortured. My money's on early retirement, but don't tell the NBA ref.

Next up, Barry Bonds. I've written before about this fella. He's no good for our game. I mean, he's taking the most important record in sports away from a guy who earned it the proper way: not with steroids but with good, old-fashioned greenies! How do we fix this problem? Well, either Bonds is telling the truth or he's not. I say only his scrotum knows for sure, so let's have him drop trou to prove his innocence. As Johnnie Cochran might have said, "if his balls ain't gone, let his record live on!"

Finally, that crazy story about the NBA ref who has supposedly had death threats because of unpaid gambling debts. This guy apparently bet on games he officiated. Are you as stunned as I am? I mean, people actually bet on NBA games?! Seriously though, how do you "fix" this problem? How about making this guy listen to Bill Walton game analysis for 6 straight hours? Nah, I'm sure that would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.