The Mitchell Steroid Report: Who Cares?!

Big deal. George Mitchell releases his big report on who's been shooting up over the years. Come on. Does anyone really care about this? And oh, don't give me crap about there being some Yankees on the list. Sure, Clemens and Pettitte are as guilty as Giambi and Sheffield, but hey, it's not considered cheating if you're doing it to win for the pinstripes, baby!

Speaking of which, is it me or were you also not terribly surprised that Mitchell didn't narc on any big-name Red Sox players? The guy's on Boston's payroll so it's not exactly shocking that he didn't bother mentioning their 'roid rage monsters!

NFL Conspiracy Theory

You'd think I'd be busy orchestrating off-season signings but I've actually been spending a lot of time watching NFL games lately. After watching last night's debacle between the Patriots and the Ravens I'm 100% convinced the NFL is fixed.

Commissioner Roger Goodell has a nightmare on his hands. With all the arrests and other legal issues facing players in his league they're starting to rival the NBA on the thuggery scale.

The Patriots run is exactly what Goodell needs to distract the nation from the next run-in with the law. As long as the Patriots are undefeated that next arrest probably won't appear till the back page of the sports section.

Looking a little closer to home, is Eli Manning even an NFL caliber quarterback? After watching his last few games I think it's true that the Manning family does indeed have two quality QB's. Unfortunately for Eli, one of them is named Archie.

Indians Garko Found Drunk In Boston

I guess Indians first-baseman Ryan Garko was serious about that comment regarding the taste of champagne on the road. My sources tell me the kid went out after that 11-2 Indians collapse last night and tossed down a few bottles of the bubbly anyway...right there in Boston!

In fact, he drank so much that he passed out in the gutter and was subsequently mugged, losing both his wallet and his dignity. Thankfully for him, he had no World Series ring to lose in the robbery!

Paul Byrd Was Using HGH? I Knew It!!!!

Remember that old fart that beat us in the LCS last week? Paul Byrd was his name and I just knew something wasn't right with him. First I thought he was the pitcher from that movie Major League back in the 1980's. Heck, that probably was him, but today we hear bigger news: That guy has been taking HGH for several years now!

OK, most guys take that stuff and bulk up like Barry Bonds, right? So what happened with this dude? Well, after I got curious during our series with the Indians I decided to have a hidden camera installed in their locker room. Check out Byrd's feet on the way to the shower!!! Shit, all that HGH apparently went to his damned feet! (The dude's got some seriously bony knees, btw!)

You Heard It Here First: Joe Girardi Is Our Next Manager!

Poor ol' Joe Torre. He couldn't accept the pay reduction we offered. Let me tell ya though...we paid him too much these last 7 years and there's no way I'm going to continue that trend. Hell, I think he should be paying me for the privilege of managing the "New York Freakin' Yankees!"

I'm going to let you in on a secret... See that picture on the left? That's not from several years ago...that's from earlier this afternoon! We brought Girardi in to look around The Stadium and, get this, he asked if he could wear the pinstripes while taking the tour. How cool is that?!

Actually, Girardi didn't think this was so cool after all. He's pointing to my son and telling him to "get that damned camera away from that stupid old man!" Don't take it the wrong way though...Joe's a big fan of mine.

Everyone's talking about how Don Mattingly is the lead candidate for the job. No way. I don't believe in promoting from within. That's way too humane for my tastes. Nah, I prefer a guy to come here, get a taste of what it's all about and then learn the business somewhere else. Mattingly has no experience outside of our organization and he's been drinking the Kool-Aid for too long. Girardi's my man!

"Why Aren't You Blogging More?..."

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked that same damned question by all you whiny so-called fans of mine. Some of you think I've lost my mind and can't remember to blog, or at least that's what the media would have you believe.

No! The truth of the matter is I'm extremely busy trying to figure out the right way to tell Torre that he's fired. If you've got any ideas, please e-mail them to me: fake-george@hotmail.com.

Where's the Indians-Red Sox Game?...

The local paper said something about the Indians-Red Sox game coming on Fox around 7:00 tonight. There must have been a rainout because Fox keeps showing Red Sox batting practice video all night. Why the heck would they waste precious Friday night prime time with BP?!

Oh, wait a minute... It looks like it's the Indians turn for some BP. But why is Eric Gagne pitching it?

Boy, I hope the Rockies-Diamondbacks game isn't rained out as well. I really want to watch some baseball tonight.

Who the Hell is Paul Byrd?!

I'm sitting here in my luxury box at Yankee Stadium watching game #4 of the ALDS and I'm tellin' ya, I've seen this movie before, literally. This Paul Byrd fella, wasn't he the old pitcher in Major League, the movie? I think he went by the name Eddie Harris back then.

Amazingly enough, we can't even hit off a former actor who hasn't been seen on the mound since the 1990's! Man, our offense sucks. Oh, and don't get me started on the pitching...

Let's see... Has a team ever won a championship with no hitting and no pitching?

Torre's Toast

Yes, that's right folks. I've already publicly stated that if we don't win tonight Mr. Torre will not be back next year. What I didn't say though, was that even if we win tonight, tomorrow and all the way through the World Series, Torre's still not coming back in 2008.

I'm sick and tired of these overpaid, spoiled brats melting down in the postseason. I can't fire the whole damned team, although Lord knows I'd love to, so I'm gonna start with their manager...and maybe the G.M. as well.

Those Aren't Gnats in Cleveland!

Hey folks, those aren't gnats attacking the players in the game tonight. They're flies! I mean, have you ever been to Cleveland? It's like a giant pile of dog doo!

Will the last person leaving please flush the toilet that's known as the city of Cleveland?

ARod Sucks!

I just watched our pretty boy third-baseman strike out in the top of the 7th with a runner on in a one-run game. This guy flat out sucks in the post season. I lobbied Cashman to dump him last year and he ignored me. He puts up insane numbers in the regular season and can't do crap in the postseason.

If we don't advance in this series it's nobody's fault but ARod's. Hell, I could strike out in a playoff game. I don't need to pay him millions to do it for me!

Gagne Best Pitcher on our Payroll

No, he doesn't wear pinstripes. Yes, he "pitches" for the evil Red Sox. But, I'm comin' clean now and telling the world that I personally offered him $1 million to "blow" a couple of saves for the Sox when he was traded to them earlier this year.

I think you'll agree that was the best million bucks I ever invested! Gagne has more than delivered for us, including yet another blown one last night.

I'm gonna call his agent later today and offer another million for two more blow-ups. I figure it's good insurance money for our boys!

O.J. Is *Back* In Jail?!

Did I sleep through his release or something? I mean, the last I heard, Mr. Simpson was serving hard prison time for killing his ex-wife and that other fella. And now I hear he was out and has been re-arrested for shaking down some guys who stole his "memorabilia"?!

OK, are you as shocked as me? I mean, is there any such thing as "O.J. Simpson memorabilia" these days?! What, is he signing and re-selling gloves and knives?! Who the heck would pay a nickel for O.J. memorabilia?!

That's It. We're Done.

See that xray? Guess whose elbow that is. That's right. It belongs to Roger Clemens. See the break? The damned thing is almost snapped in two.

Guess what else... That xray isn't from today or yesterday. It's from back in April when we started negotiating with this clown! The nutcase had a broken elbow all this time and is just now telling us about it!

Way to go Cashman. Did you ever think about having the guy take a freakin' physical?! You were so caught up in figuring out how many millions of my dollars to give him that you completely forgot to see if he's healthy!

This Gal Makes Farnsworth Look Like a Nobel Laureate

Question: What's the Fastest Way to Give Up a Comfortable Lead?

Answer: Put Kyle Farnsworth on the mound.

Come on, did that two-run shot he just gave up surprise anyone? The guy flat out sucks!

Torre: If you put that loser in another game I'll fire you faster than you can say "Billy Martin"!

Why the Hell Did A-Rod Make a Curtain Call Tonight?!

Did you see that?! I was watching it from the comfort of my owner's box and I couldn't believe it. A-Rod hits a one-run homer. We were already up 2 runs and his shot puts us up by 3. Nobody is calling his name or anything and next thing you know, Mr. Ego hops out of the dugout and doffs his cap!

What the hell?! Hey A-Rod, how about waiting till the fans call for you next time?

Serena Williams Scares Me

Sure, I'm a very old man and just about any woman could kick my butt these days, but this Serena Williams gal scares the crap out of me. Have you seen her lately? She's a beast. I'm pretty sure she could whip just about every guy on our roster, especially that girly man A-Rod.

Loggins & Mussina, The Reunion?

You know, I never really understood why Mike Mussina left Kenny Loggins when they both seemed to be making a lot of money in the music biz. I'll tell you what though, after watching him get shellacked by the Tigers tonight I'm pretty sure Mike will need to find his old Footloose friend for his next meal ticket.

The Moose is done. Stick a fork in him. I don't know if Kenny Loggins can pitch but I'd rather give him a chance than let Mussina make another appearance.

I'm starting to think those guys in Houston are approaching this the right way. I need to fire some people and see if that gets this ballclub back on track.

Holy Crap! I Just Won the Italian Lottery!

Check it out! Click on that image to the left and you'll see the message I recently got from the people at the Italian Lottery. Yep, that's right. I just hit the jackpot!

At first I thought this was a practical joke by Torre or one of the other dago's on the team. Cashman is looking into it for me and he tells me he thinks it's legit. How freakin' cool is that? I mean, I already have more money than I can possibly spend in the rest of my life and now this?!

I might just have to call that cryogenics place back and see if they have any other Ted Williams body parts for sale!

I'm Gonna Buy Ted Willams' Frozen Head!

Yep, you read that right. I have some money left over after the trading deadline and since Cashman was unable to get me a ringer, I thought I'd by the head of a dead one!

To tell you the truth, I never believed all the stories I'd read about Ted's head being on ice. So during some travels this week I stopped by the cryogenic facility where the Splendid Splinter's melon now lives and told them to show me the proof. Sure enough, a fellow dipped in with a giant pear of tongs and there he was! I snapped that picture you see here as proof that he's really in there.

The paperwork still needs to be signed and all, but I'm about to acquire the last available piece of one of Boston's true heroes. I've already got a room full of amazing collectibles from over the years (e.g., Billy Martin's last beer bottle, Ruth's last cigarette butt, etc.) but this one goes to the head of the class. Oops, sorry, poor choice of words.

Red Sox are Chokin' and I'm Chucklin'!

Can you believe how fast Boston's divisional lead has melted away? Terry Francona must be sweating like Michael Vick at a PETA meeting.

2004 was so long ago. They might have "reversed the curse" for one year but they'll never lose their knack for the well-timed choke!

Hey, who's lookin' like a genius now for not signing Gagne?!

Me? In the Hall of Fame? You're Making Me Blush...Sort of...

Hey, have you seen this incredibly insightful and brilliant article by Wallace Matthews, my new favorite reporter? He's lobbying for me to get into the baseball Hall of Fame.

Gee, I don't know what to say...other than yes, I definitely deserve it and if you believe all those reports about my health, you bastards on the HOF committee better take action soon!

To tell you the truth, I didn't even know I did all those things Matthews says about my career in that article. As I read it I kept thinking, gee, this guy is really special. What do we need to do to get him, er, me into the Hall of Fame?

I don't know how to make it happen, but I'm gonna make a few calls and see if I can get this Matthews fella a raise. He's certainly more deserving of my hard-earned cash than Jason Giambi, I can tell you that much! (Speaking of which, what a wussy effort Selig turned in on the whole Giambi investigation! Not only is he not going to fine the oaf, Bud is actually patting the son-of-a-gun on the back! That's the last time I invite the commish to my place for drinks and skinny dipping!)

Scooter Is Gone...And I'm Bummed

My old buddy Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto passed away today. What a character he was. I'm gonna miss him big-time.

My favorite Scooter memory is when he did that crazy play-by-play bit in that song by that Loaf fella. I think the tune was called "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" or something like that. Anyway, the melody itself was awful but it was fun hearing Scooter do his bit.

Sometimes when it was just Phil and I sitting around having a few beers I'd ask him to "do that Paradise thingie!" What a guy. He'd always oblige.

As I mentioned earlier, heaven must have needed a shortstop and let me tell ya, they got a great one in this guy.

I'm in LA...But the Angels Aren't Here!

I think Cashman did this to me on purpose. The first stop on my road trip is Los Angeles and the goal was to see the Angels play. My charter plane landed earlier today and I had a driver take me directly to Angels Stadium. Guess what? Those bastards are on the road right now, playing up in Toronto tomorrow.

All is not lost, however. I managed to get past security to look around a bit. You know those reports about rats all over the stadium? They're right! Check out this picture I took of the floor of the visitors dugout. Gross!

Quick, Somebody Get John Henry a Pint of Blood!

Have you ever seen this John Henry fella, principal owner of the Red Sox, up close? Aw heck, even the typical picture of him in the paper or on TV highlights the problem: John Henry is either a vampire or he's got a horrible blood circulation problem. Look at the guy. He's scary looking.

I met him in person recently and I found myself staring at him. He's nothing short of a freak. He makes Keith Richards look like a healthy young man!

And did you see he's dumping his wife?! That hot young chick in this picture? You've got to be kidding me. Other than the fact that he's got a big bank account, although not as large as mine(!), does he really think he can do better than her?

Wow, maybe what little blood he has just isn't making it to his tiny brain!

The Yankees Bore Me -- I'm Going on a Road Trip

Yeah, I know. It's a weird time to take a road trip. We just closed the gap with the Sox to 4 games and are in a dead heat with the Mariners for the wildcard. Big deal. Ever since my 77th birthday I've decided life's too short to sit around and get angry with a bunch of under-performers.

I'm heading out tomorrow morning, but I'm not gonna tell you where I'm heading till I'm already there. Sort of like that Matt Lauer thing on the Today Show. We can call this, "Where In The World is The Boss"!

More details to come...

P.S. -- There's no way I'm gonna bother stopping in San Francisco. I don't want to see that human growth hormone freak known as Barry Bonds.

Ankiel's First Better Than Bonds' 756th

Man, my eyes welled up with tears watching Rick Ankiel hit that homerun last night. Talk about a feel good story. Wow!

Contrast that with the walking syringe, AKA Barry Bonds, and his 756th homer with an asterisk. I almost vomited watching replays of that one. It's a shame some people will actually look at him as the new king. Yuck.

Speaking of Ankiel though, I find it intriguing that a pitcher can reinvent himself as a position player. Do you suppose there's any chance we could convert our entire bullpen into position players? I mean, whatever they've been doing this year certainly doesn't qualify as "pitching", so why not give it a shot? Get it? "Shot", picture of a syringe... Yeah, I know. I missed my calling as a comedian. Cashman never seems to laugh though. I think his mom dropped him one time too many when he was a baby.

Clemens Suspension: 5 Games Is Nice, 10 Would Be Better

Even when we screw up we wind up screwing up. Jeez! I told Torre to have Clemens plunk that Toronto fella in the back in the hopes that he'd get a lengthy suspension. I mean, have you seen the guy's record? He's 4-5 and I'm paying him roughly the GNP of a small country to "pitch" for us this year!

So what do those weenies in the league office do? They suspend him for all of 5 freakin' games. That doesn't help us! This guy is losing 56% of his games and I have to put him back into the starting rotation again after a 5-game suspension?

What does a guy have to do to get a 10- or 20-game suspension around here? If steroids will do the trick I'll be happy to inject 'em in his butt myself!

Babe Ruth Says We Suck

I just woke up from my afternoon nap. Boy do I feel refreshed!

I had a vivid dream about the old Bambino himself, Babe Ruth. I'm tellin' ya, I could even smell the guy's farts...that's how realistic this thing was!

Anyway, he tells me he's totally embarrassed to be associated with the Yankees these days. He went on to say our entire team flat out sucks. He said I should fire every single one of them and start over.

Babe went on to tell me he thinks Kyle Farnsworth is the worst of them all. Not just current Yankees. The worst since the beginning of the franchise back in 1903. Can you believe it?!

One other thing...he told me that signing Clemens was a huge mistake. Oh sure, now he tells me, long after I've shelled out millions for the season. He says he's still chuckling at Roger's current 4-5 record and asked me to tell him once again how much we're paying him. I told him "about $26 million" and the Bambino just about crapped his pants laughing.

What does that lard ass know, anyway?

Barry Bonds Rookie Card

After digging through piles of boxes in my basement I think I've stumbled upon a gold mine. Yes, I have a rookie card from Barry Bonds' first season in the major leagues. You can't tell me this guy hasn't been juicing up since back then. His whole body just looks so much larger now, don't you think?

This baby must be worth a small fortune!

Bud Selig Is Boycotting Barry Bonds!

Yep, at this very moment, the Giants are hosting the Nationals. Barry "Mr. Steroids" Bonds is sitting at 755 homeruns and guess where the commish, Bud Selig is? He just pulled up to my house and I snapped the picture you see here as he walked in the front door.

That's right. Bud and I are getting ready to enjoy a sandwich and a nice soft drink. We'll probably play a bit of pinochle too. But there's one thing we won't be doing: watching that drug-laced freak break Hank Aaron's hallowed record.

Mike Myers Loses His Mojo

I couldn't believe it when Cashman signed this guy but I'm thrilled the experiment is over. You may have heard, we finally dumped Mike Myers today. Don't get me wrong. I loved him in Austin Powers and Wayne's World, but the guy couldn't throw a pitch to save his life.

I need to keep a closer eye on Cashman. He's liable to sign George Carlin or Eddie Murphy next. What a freakin' idiot. No wonder this team is such a mess.

Why ARod Won't Catch Bonds

The big news yesterday of course was that ARod hit his 500th home run and that guy on steroids hit #755. Everybody's talking about how Mr. Steroids won't hold the record for long because ARod "is the youngest to get to 500."

You know what I say? Big deal. It doesn't matter.

ARod will never get to 755. Why? Two words: Pretty boy.

If you knew ARod like I know ARod you'd agree. All he cares about is what he looks like and whether the chicks will notice him. He spends more time grooming his hair than lifting weights.

Did you know he was ready to quit baseball a couple of years ago? He wasn't happy with the hat-hair his batting helmet was giving him. We had to pull a couple of scientists off their quest to cure cancer so they could help us design a more hair-friendly batting helmet. Have you noticed how when ARod takes his off now his hair is still perfect? That's what $2 million of accelerated research and development gets you these days.

Nah, this kid spends way too much time in front of the mirror to bother with any baseball records. And since the steroid scandal means that chicks don't dig the long ball like they used to, we'll all have to get used to Mr. Steroids owning the record for a long, long time, I'm afraid.

I Love Cracker Jack Prizes!

I love Cracker Jacks. I eat boxes of 'em all day long. My doctor tells me I need to cut back, but hey, I don't smoke or drink so I figure this is my one vice.

What do I love most about Cracker Jacks? The prizes! Man, those darned things are the best! It's the unknown aspect that gets me so excited about them. Sort of like what we can expect from this new Betamit kid Cashman just traded for...

Speaking of Cashman, that bastard wouldn't let me put the temporary tattoo that came in one of my Cracker Jack boxes today. He said "it wouldn't be very dignifying" of me to walk around with a temporary tattoo on. Screw him. I went ahead and applied it to my butt when he wasn't looking!

Why I Love Matsui

I've been a huge fan of Hideki Matsui ever since he joined our club. Every time I see him he brings a smile to my face. I couldn't quite figure out why till I watched a 24-hour Three Stooges marathon on cable today.

Matsui looks just like Moe! Heck, they could be distant relatives! I'm gonna try some nyuck, nyuck lines on him when I see him tomorrow.

Moe...what a funny guy. I wonder if I'd look good with that haircut.

Boycott Conde Nast (and That Prick Frank Lidz)

These guys are really starting to piss me off. Did you see this damned article in Conde Nast today? This bastard Frank Lidz writes that I've become like Howard Hughes or am in the early stages of Alzheimer's. What a prick.

Do me a favor. Join my boycott of anything that has to do with or even sounds like Conde Nast. That includes Condi Rice and Jerry Nast, a guy I went to high school with. Come on people, let's show 'em who's The Boss!

By the way, what the hell kind of name is "Frank Lidz"?! Is that bastard part of the ballcap empire? If so, I'm gonna sue him for all he's worth. Yeah, that's right...I can still kick some ass when I need to!

Selling the YES Network

You may have heard the rumors but I'm here to give you the facts. We are indeed getting ready to dump the YES Network. It's not because I need the money or because we're trying to "dismantle the empire" as that stupid report put it. I'm just tired of watching these bums lose game after game.

Cashman says "you don't have to watch" and "you can just change the channel." Sure, that's what a commoner would do! I'm The Boss though and I always do things in a big, big way. The network goes on eBay tomorrow and bids must be in by the following Saturday.

Why We Didn't Go After Gagne

Boy, my e-mail in-box is overflowing after yesterday's trading deadline. (Btw, if you have a question, drop me a line at fake-george@hotmail.com.)

Everyone wants to know why we didn't go after Eric Gagne. A couple of people even said we should have done it just to prevent the Red Sox from getting him.

Ah, once again I prove how I know more than all of you combined. You see folks, it is possible to have too much talent in your bullpen. The Red Sox were already at that point before Gagne showed up. Now that he's there, watch out! They're going to completely collapse.

We, on the other hand, are showing how to get it done with almost no pitching talent whatsoever. I didn't want to screw with that formula, and believe me, adding a guy of Gagne's caliber would have really changed the chemistry. Guys like Farnsworth would have been out there constantly asking Gagne for an autograph.

No siree, we're going to win this thing with the bats. Cashman worked up a spreadsheet for us yesterday and as long as we can score an average of 16.3 runs per game we should be fine. I'm still not sure where we'll get the .3 from though.

Btw, how do you like that photo of our existing pitching staff? Those monkeys are always playing games!

Nobody Wanted Farnsworth...Nobody

What an exhausting day. I'm glad it's over. We didn't bring in the talent I was hoping for, but the real story had to do with who we couldn't give away: Kyle Farnsworth. I mean, we tried to dump him on every single team in the league. No takers.

Heck, at one point, I was ready to unload him for a 1983 Chrysler K car, but no go. This guy is damaged goods and everyone knows it.

I'm sitting here watching us beat the snot out of the White Sox. We're up 14 to 3 and Torre finally thinks that's a safe enough lead to bring Farnsworth in for. I'm not so sure. Fingers crossed...

Good Riddance to Proctor...But Why Betemit?!

I won't lie about it...I'm glad to see Scott Proctor leave us. He was worthless. But why in the world did Cashman trade him for this Betemit fella?! He's hitting a whopping .231 this year. Just what we needed...

I Covet Dontrelle Willis

There. I admitted it. I love this guy and I desperately want him in pinstripes. Today is the trading deadline and I told Cashman to make it happen or he's fired. We'll see what happens.

He's not just a great lefty, he also looks very cool in a ballcap. I've tried wearing one the way he does but I look silly. I'm hoping he'll give me some hat fashion tips when we get him on the Yankees.

When Did Tony Gwynn Get So Damned Fat?!!!

Holy crap! Did you see Tony Gwynn at the Hall of Fame induction ceremonies yesterday? The dude is now large enough to qualify as a planet. Enormous.

Hey, push back from the buffet, big fella!

Why Gaylord Perry But Not Barry Bonds?

I'd like to get serious for a moment and share something that's been troubling me. Why is it that we allowed Gaylord Perry into the Hall of Fame but we say Barry Bonds shouldn't be eligible? Remember old Gaylord? He of the spitter and other means of cheating from the mound?...

Everyone always chuckles about Perry, acknowledges that he cheated but has no problem whatsoever recognizing him as a Hall of Famer. What exactly has Barry Bonds done that's worse?! (Besides being an enormous jerk, of course.)

I'm asking you this question because I struggle to answer it. Don't get me wrong... I hate Barry Bonds as much today as I ever have, but I can't quite figure out why I can't stand him and yet I still get a kick out of Perry.

Billy Martin's Comeback

I must have gotten some bad information a long time ago. Several years back someone told me that the reason I haven't seen Billy around lately is because he died in some sort of wacky car accident. It turns out those idiots were wrong!

Billy must have gone back for a law degree because I see he's now representing that Mike Vick kid in that ugly dog fighting case. Billy's changed his appearance fairly significantly from the days when we worked together. I don't think I would have recognized him.

Mike Vick, if you're reading this, you picked a great attorney. Billy is and always has been a fighter. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, which makes me wonder about how difficult the bar exam is these days, but he's a bit of a pit bull...oops, I guess that's not the best analogy for this one. Well, you know what I mean!

Jorge Posada, You're No Thurman Munson!

Did you know he pronounces it "whore-hey", by the way? Kinda funny, don't you think?

Anyway, Jorge is another one of those kids we found floating on a raft in the Gulf of Mexico. We found him first though and laid claim to him, totally pissing off the rest of the league. As I always say with these floaters, "finders keepers, losers Red Sox!"

So our boy Jorge is having a nice season at the plate. He's currently hitting .334, which is remarkable given that he's never even approached .300 in any of his previous seasons with us! Before you go wondering whether he's on the juice or not, let me set the record straight: No, we couldn't possibly have enough juice in our clubhouse for Giambi and anyone else!

So now people are starting to talk about Posada like he's a Hall of Fame candidate or the next coming of Thurman Munson. Come on, people! Munson had a career batting average of .292 and he's not in Cooperstown, so don't expect Posada to magically show up there. Besides, just how much bronze would they need to put those huge ears on a plaque?! I often wonder whether he can get satellite TV/radio through those things. They're huge!

Tampa Bay and Kansas City

We've cut the Red Sox lead to 7.5 games, which is pretty impressive. We've done it mostly with scheduling magic. Did you know we get to play the Devil Rays and the Royals 120 times this year, leaving only 42 games for other opponents? Yep, some would call it a scheduling coincidence, but I like to say a stack of dead presidents can make pretty much anything happen. Money does indeed buy happiness! Anyone who tells you otherwise is either broke, a loser or a broke loser.

Vick, Bonds and That Gamblin' NBA Ref

Boy, it's a tough time to be commissioner for MLB, the NFL or the NBA. There's a reason I'm so doggone rich though, and it mostly has to do with the fact that I'm extremely smart. The older I get the more charitable I seem to be. So, I'm going to do all three of those commissioners a favor and tell them how they can solve their current problems:

First up, Michael Vick. This one's pretty simple. Give Vick the option of leaving the NFL for good or spending 2 hours tied to one of those rape stands they found at his house. Oh, and don't forget that those 2 hours include full "access" to Vick by at least 6 of those hungry, horny dogs he tortured. My money's on early retirement, but don't tell the NBA ref.

Next up, Barry Bonds. I've written before about this fella. He's no good for our game. I mean, he's taking the most important record in sports away from a guy who earned it the proper way: not with steroids but with good, old-fashioned greenies! How do we fix this problem? Well, either Bonds is telling the truth or he's not. I say only his scrotum knows for sure, so let's have him drop trou to prove his innocence. As Johnnie Cochran might have said, "if his balls ain't gone, let his record live on!"

Finally, that crazy story about the NBA ref who has supposedly had death threats because of unpaid gambling debts. This guy apparently bet on games he officiated. Are you as stunned as I am? I mean, people actually bet on NBA games?! Seriously though, how do you "fix" this problem? How about making this guy listen to Bill Walton game analysis for 6 straight hours? Nah, I'm sure that would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

The Truth About Shelley Duncan

Who is this guy and where did he come from? The "official" report says he's the son of Cardinals coach Dave Duncan. Yeah, right...

This is all about science, folks. Remember Shelley Long, the actress from the old TV show Cheers? How about Sandy Duncan, that old actress/dancer with the glass eye? Well, I'm here to tell you that we, The New York Yankees, helped these two gals produce their own love child.

As you can tell from Duncan's photo on the left, the science is far from perfect. Yeah, I know...he looks like that banjo-playing kid from Deliverance. Whatever. As you can see though, this science project can hit!

When 21-4 Isn't a Blowout

Wanna know why we have to keep scoring runs no matter how large our lead? Why did we have Pettitte keep pitching through 6 full innings despite being up 14-3 after 5 innings?

Well take a look at that fat oaf pictured on the left. That's why. With "relievers" like Brian Bruney and his 9.45 (!) ERA in his last 10 games, no lead is safe.

Torre wanted to bring him in today's 21-4 win and I had to call him (on my iPhone) and tell him NO! He had the bum get up twice in the bullpen; both times I called and told him to sit his fat butt down.